My Novels

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

New Blog Design & Daily Life

I've spent a couple hours choosing a new layout/color scheme for my blog. About time, since I like to rearrange occasionally -- sort of like moving furniture around! I enjoy fooling with the design, fun and absorbing.

I added my Twitter feed on the right side-bar; I usually have a daily update about what I'm doing on any given day.

Another rainy day, time indoors. Probably no dog walk today. Rambo, my minpin, is sitting on my lap where he's been most of the day. I've learned how to type around him. And I used to think only cats could make me do such tricks. Ha!

Tomorrow I attend two AA meetings; there's a women-only meeting mid-morning and then I stay for the noon open meeting (the noon meeting is every day of the week!). I'm gradually easing into the AA gatherings, not attending every day. It's a relief to know they are there if I feel the urge to drink. I don't have a sponsor yet, but at some point I hope to find one. It will help me cope if I can reach out to a sponsor when I'm struggling not to drink. Also, it will take that burden off my sisters; they have had to go through a lot with me the past few months, and it's time I found support other than them.

Frankly though, at this point, I don't think of drinking every day. It doesn't cause me to obsess, worry all the time; I don't plan my day around how to get it, when to drink, how to try & moderate, etc. When I was in that dark place, it seemed my daily life revolved around such issues.

When our county was dry, I'd have to drive at least 50 miles round trip to buy liquor. It was a highlight, in a way, because I usually enjoyed the drive (and NEVER made it when drinking). I'd get up on a nice, bright day, dress at my best, trying to look "put-together," not an alcoholic. I'd rotate my trips to different liquor stores, north, south, east, west. All the surrounding counties are wet, so I figured none of the clerks would remember me that well. When my city went wet, I did the same rotation among the different liquor stores. In the women's meetings, I found out this was something other women did too! Nothing to be proud of, for sure, but something I could identify with and not feel I was the only one who ever stooped so low.

Now for the past journal entry. (In the internet moderation group, there's some questions to ask oneself regarding managed drinking.)

September 1st

Question: Identify the triggers that lead you to over-drink & develop means to prevent it.

Again, it's been almost 2 weeks without a drink. Still, hoping to do the 30 day stint, then moderate.

Watching a documentary about happiness, what makes people happy. But mostly it's a push for community, being with people to be happy.

What of those who like solitude, like myself?

As to the question above: Being around people too much, even sometimes family, triggers my need to drink (rid myself of the anxiety/stress). I am not happy if around people all the time.

Another trigger...being very upset, either emotional pain, sorrow, grief. I'm too sensitive and sometimes liquor alleviates my overwhelming empathy. It's hard to be a feeling person in a world that has so much indifference -- humans, animals, just never ending images of suffering.

But honestly, how do you avoid those triggers?

Not possible.

And I'm too old to change my deepest self. So back to the moderation plan.

Additionally, when family swoops in here during my initial drunkenness, it makes it worse and as a result, I just drink more and more. This puzzles me...

Note to self: Reading the journal again, I see many, many twisted thoughts, excuses and denial, as well as constant confusion about why I couldn't quit drinking. Sigh.

1 comment:

Mike Firesmith said...

If your thoughts aren't twisted you aren't thinking enough.

Keep writing, Cara, you are beginning to sound a lot like someone who does it really well.