Alrighty then, had no sleep last night and started worrying about the cats. Outside & inside cats. Not sure they are getting good care with nieces. Or the attention they need.
A loud hot-rod also kept roaring up and down the nearby street; a park and Walmart parking lot are teen hangouts close to here. Kids race back and forth between the two places on weekend nights. I swear it sounded like that car was coming through the wall; it would race up and down, sit at the park and make rumbling zoom, zoom noises. Argh!
I asked for sleep meds during the night, but nurse said I had none prescribed.
I finally dragged out of bed this morning, able to get a bath & dressed in zombie-mode. Then I had a come-apart, sat down in the room chair, started crying uncontrollably. A nurse came in and talked with me for a long time, even took me outside to get some fresh air. I had that kind of crying where you can't get your breath, awful!
At last I calmed down a bit, went to breakfast, didn't eat much. I am aching all over, back pain, neck/shoulder pain. I always feel this way when I don't get sleep.
Later
I saw the psychiatrist briefly, he changed my anti-depressant medication, and added a new one to treat fibromyalgia. Maybe that will help.
Night
Sister visited twice today and brought more clothes, necessities. I appreciate what my sisters are doing, and love them...but I know I'm becoming a burden to them. I hate that I really have no one else to call on, but I never will. That's just how I am.
I realize they love me, but also if I killed myself, it would create a stigma for them and the entire family. It's one thing to think of suicide as an abstract concept and something else entirely to see it can be a valid escape from a miserable, unhappy life.
If I could be pain-free, not depressed, I'd love to live. But I just don't know... I do love my family, but sometimes that's not enough. I need to live for myself!
Enough. I'm going to sit in the hallway with the other nuts.
~~~~~~~~~
Today, Dec. 18
I had a bad day in the above journal entry, but later that night sitting in the hallway turned out to be fun. One of the nurses got a balloon and we started tossing it around, till it burst unexpectedly. Everyone was shocked, and the reaction was hilarious. More and more, I began sitting in the hallway with other residents instead of staying in my room. That marked a turning point in my stay. Or maybe it was the different anti-depressant which I still take.
Cooler here today, but had some fog this morning. Here's a picture I took early.
So thick I couldn't see the houses behind my fence. Glad I wasn't out driving in that!
Feeling like I am getting sinus infection. Hope not. Long dog walk after lunch since it's sunny & mild now. I laundered dog bedding, have it hanging on the clothesline now.
Sister will visit tomorrow. I might convince her to go with me to look at another dog. We'll see...
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