My Novels

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Just a brief update to post this amazing quote I found:

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. -e.e. cummings

In my current situation/problem, I realize that MY opinion/attitude is one-hundred-degrees DIFFERENT to what MOST people would feel/think, especially women. Yet I have valid reasons for my feelings, and THIS is why I think MY perspective will be unique...worth writing about when the dust settles. If you always go along with the crowd, well...that's herd mentality. One can only feel what is in their own heart...and to share this openly with the world in writing, that is what makes any work of art truly worthwhile.

Just some deep thoughts for today. Still waiting to see what happens with the bombshell I dropped recently.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Life goes on, no matter the catastrophe. Or at least it does lately, even with all my moodiness.

At any rate, there MAY be a solution on the horizon to the ongoing personal problem. Or if not, then a total fix -- for better or worse. As usual, DH is unwillling to involve himself in the tangle of emotional issues and I had to do the dirty work. You know, I hate being a bitch sometimes, but if that is the ONLY way to solve a thorny problem...well, so be it. The "problem" did something this past weekend that was either incredibly stupid or deliberately mean. That put DH in a similar mood to my own and he more or less told me to do whatever was necessary. We shall know the outcome soon.

The old house is really shaping up nicely. There is only a small amount of trimwork to be painted, and getting the carpet professionally cleaned and it can be lived in. DH has to replace three more windows, but those are in a room we won't use if we move there. Also he has completed most of the sunporch, and should be done with that this weekend. Today I went to Big Lots and bought some vinyl flooring on sale; it can be used on the sunporch where the cats will least temporarily. We also got two loads of gravel put on the driveway week before last, and it is now settled and makes for a better parking area.

We are debating on when to make the move, but it will probably be late February or early March. Then we'll have to do some work on our house here in town, getting it either ready to sell or rent.

Some good news: My mother is back home. She is improving, and getting better daily. She and my stepdad have a home health nurse helping out part-time, and one of my sisters also goes there on a regular basis. I do worry she won't ever be very well again, but she definitely has proven me wrong on that in the past!

I went on my bike ride earlier, even though it's in the low 40s today. Last night it was down to 18, unusual for us here in the South. I'm at 96 lbs, though I am certainly NOT dieting anymore. I guess stress and turmoil burns up calories too! LOL

When all this upheaval is over, regarding the "problem," I DO have a great deal of information from research to use either in an article or fiction. And I will also write some of what I've learned here. A hint: It's about adoption.

Till next time...

Thursday, January 22, 2004

I'm a bit more settled, but not exactly back to normal. Suffice to say, I am still experiencing some confusion...and haven't resolved some of the personal issues surrounding the current situation.

My main problem seems to be that I'm fairly sure DH told me a lie BEFORE we married; I can understand WHY he did it, for if he hadn't I wouldn't have married him. On the other hand, now I feel if I have to examine our entire lives together, wondering if he lied about other stuff. Perhaps not. However, my trust in him is shaky to say the least -- NOT a good way to live. And possibly this will lead to a separation in time, because I can't live in such a state of anxiety all the time, never knowing if what he says is true or not.

Additionally, there have been times in our marriage when I was on the verge of separation...but he always talked me out of it. Always made it seem I was the one who was doing wrong, even if I just wanted some time away, to have my own friends, etc. And all the while, here he sat with that big fat lie he told me before we married. It just makes me so ANGRY. And my unresolved anger has a way of turning into revenge.

To top it all off, my mother is back in the hospital. I was there yesterday and the day before; she is having a bad time, and was diagnosed with bronchitis, as well as congestive heart failure. I don't know if she'll make it out of there this time, and fear the worst. IF she goes home, she will have to have special breathing therapy, and oxygen tanks. Our step-dad is deaf as a stone, won't wear his hearing aid, and cannot possibly take care of her. Perhaps she needs to think about nursing home care for at least awhile? I just don't know...but it sure is stressful on all of us.

In the meantime though, we almost have the old house completed -- or at least livable. Should be ready to either live in or rent or sell by the middle of February. I uploaded some recent photos of the progress, which can be accessed by clicking on the "Renovation Updates" link to the right, or by clicking HERE. Go to the bottom of that page, then the next page for the photos which include newly painted rooms.

More when I'm better able to write objectively about my situation. I'll close with this quote I found, which sort of reminds me of my independent streak as a writer: "I'll walk where my own nature would be leading: It vexes me to choose another guide." --Emily Brontë

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Just a brief update: I'm still alive, though not too happy. Still in turmoil, but I'm making a little progress on adapting, I suppose.

Some days are good, in that I think I can adjust to the new situation. Other days are bad, and I cry a lot and feel deeply depressed. Occasional arguments with DH, but it seems neither of us knows what or how to feel. How does one respond to this kind of unexpected dilemma? I've done a good deal of research about the situation, learned of other's feelings, how they resolved it...but I'm not yet able to be comfortable with it.

In the meantime, I've continued to help some on the old house. It's nearing completion, and we could probably move by early February. And may do just that, if we can somehow come to terms with our "new" situation.

To those who have written, I thank you so much for your support. And I promise I'll reply to email soon.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Isn't it almost always true that just when you think your life is going smoothly, happily for ONCE, a curve ball comes at you and hits you right between the eyes?

This won't be much of an entry, just enough to say I'm still alive. And yes, a lot of work was accomplished on the old house. It's looking better, and in fact, could be lived in soon...

Which it just might have to be -- by DH. Because something happened last weekend that sent me reeling. It is something DH did before we married, almost 33 years ago, and which he'd mentioned to me back then. However, his version appears now to have been mostly a lie. Does that mean our whole marriage was based on a lie? Sort of feels that way to me.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but it looks as if there is NO resolution to this situation that I could EVER accept and continue living with him. Hence, perhaps we'll separate and he can live in the old house/farm, and I'll stay where I am.

I have been so upset this past week, I didn't know if I were coming or going...not to mention all the hard work. I didn't just quit either, though I couldn't bring myself to go there every single day. I fear now that forever that place will be tainted with this awful current situation, and I can never live there. And the irony? I really had grown so fond of the place, and we were hurrying to get it ready to move into.

I doubt anyone can imagine the shock and trauma we both have been going through...though I am fairly sure my feelings are still terribly unresolved. Therefore, I don't want to go into details here...

To top it all off, my mother had to be rushed to the hospital Christmas night for conjestive heart failure. She's had this several times before, and recovered. She did go home in a couple days, but then relapsed and spent this entire last week in the hospital. The doctor is supposed to dismiss her this morning, mostly because he's afraid she'll catch flu from patients there.

If you have sent me an email, I promise to answer soon, when I have some sort of emotional balance/perspective.