My Novels

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Moving My Blog

Moving to wordpress, here's the new URL:

Mad, Mad World

Still a work-in-progess, but there's an updated post there now.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Last year this time...

Finally wrote a poem last night:

Last Week, Last Year

Icy winter wind, late February
Waning sunlight, spectral, bleak
This was the last week
Of your earthly life last year.

Don't think I have forgotten,
Oh no!
I remember each single second
As you lay dying
Though none of us realized
How darkness was close,
Touching you, whispering to you
Holding you in its dazed grasp.

We had false hope, dreams
Stupid denial, wishful thinking
Unaware of the Grim Reaper
Like a seductive Wraith
Upon a high hill, a shadow
Cast long upon the land
Placing a strangling hand
Upon your heart, hard
And yet soft, sweet, sudden,
Swiftly taking you in sleep.

The wrenching pain of your loss,
A year ago this winter,
Haunts my life, lingers in dreams
And often I awaken, afraid
You never understood, never knew
How we all loved you
Needed you -- YES! -- even now.

You are mute, silenced forever
Too often fading away in morning light,
Yet out of the fog of our past
Love lives on, somewhere in timeless time.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Bad Times

Here's a quote that aptly describes what I've been going through this past year, the intensity having increased greatly during the last week, due to this being the last couple weeks of DH's life:

We're taught to think you can move on quickly, and in a year you'll be better. Many people don't know that you need to adjust to being a new person. I've learned that grief is work, the hardest kind of work there is. There is no guide; everybody has to figure it out for herself. I wish I'd been told that grief is a fluid, endless experience from which you never completely recover.

I feel terribly lost, as if I can't understand who I am any longer. It started after the frenetic paperwork of death, the sale of the farm, the move to town -- where I thought sanity would return. That I could out-run grief, or out-smart it, or maybe avoid it by finding a companion. I did learn that every time I went on a date, it only brought back all the old wounds and fear of loss again. It would take me weeks to recover enough to not feel as if suicide was the best option. I gave up the dating, though I did meet some nice guys who are still platonic friends online.

This week I've not been sleeping well, and feel like I've been run over by a train today. When I don't sleep enough, my whole body aches, especially my knees/bones/joints. I can get an idea of what aging is going to be like: endless aches and pains, with no real relief. Do I even want to go there?

If it were not for my pets, I don't think I'd choose to live. These two pups are truly my best friends; they look at me with such love and devotion, the idea of leaving them would seem a betrayal. And of course, losing Kitten only magnified my sorrow; I worry I'll lose my older cats soon, since they are all barely getting by as it is. I will probably not have any more cats after these go, because I do have an allergy to them, and don't want to take on more responsibility. The pups will, hopefully, be around a long time -- but even IF I were gone, they'd get good homes. Especially after the kind of monetary gift I'm leaving to the local animal shelter.

I'm just depressed, having a hard time, and I know it's going to get worse as the sad-anniversary approaches next week. February 21st, I lost the only person (outside of family) I'd ever had a truly long-lasting, successful relationship with. I fear there will never be another such friendship/relationship in my life, since I'm basically a dysfunctional individual and have always had trouble maintaining involvement with people.

Yesterday we got an update from mother's doctor: her one good kidney is only functioning at 10% -- she is dying. The doctor wanted to call in hospice, especially because mother is going to be released from the nursing home in a couple weeks. She'll return to my sister's house, and I just hope we don't have a re-run of her last stay there. At any rate, it seems only a matter of (short) time till she is gone too. I bought her two new outfits for Valentine's Day, and also took some framed photos for her room. She is fading away, getting more and more disoriented, mentally. Sad, sad days ahead...

If only I could start writing again (other than sporadic entries in this journal)! If I seem to disappear, without entries here for a couple weeks, it only means I'm just not emotionally capable of writing about the unspeakable grief/loss still going on in my life.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Lost Kitten...

She had been ailing for a few days, took her to the vet couple weeks ago and got antibiotics. Then over the past week, she continued to get worse. When I took her to the vet yesterday, they did a leukemia test and it was positive. Kitten has gone to Kitty-Kat heaven, I'm sure.

My mother is doing better, and was moved to a semi-private room today. I visited in the afternoon, and mother seems to like her room-mate, who is blind and about mother's age. However, this room is only for two weeks...then mother will probably be sent home -- to my sister's house. Who knows what will happen then?

Otherwise, I spend my days the same: taking care of my cats/dogs, biking, reading, existing. The one-year sad anniversary of DH's death is at the end of this month and I am trying to cope. I've thought of different things to do on the day of his death, something to honor his memory...but haven't come to any conclusion.

Not much to write about lately. The dismal February winter darkness...although today was very nice, near 50 degrees and good for getting outside. I took the dogs on a long walk, biked, and visited mother, done some errands in town.

I miss Kitten; she was special, since I had to hand-feed her as a tiny runt. But I always knew something was wrong with that whole litter; all died except Kitten. I guess we know why now...

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Mother's Evaluation

I wasn't at the meeting, because I just knew there would be discord between my middle sisters, no matter the results. I am not emotionally able to deal with such stress -- at least not without having an outburst I'd regret.

However, I did go visit mother from noon till around 2:00; the evaluation was at 3:00. My paternal uncle dropped by, and we had a fun conversation. He is my father's only brother, a truly good, humorous man (unlike my father in every way). The two hours were enjoyable, with mother enjoying our visit and conversation.

My sister called me last night, to tell me the outcome of the meeting. Seems mother kept saying, "I don't want to be in the nursing home," repeatedly. Yet she has also said she is being very well taken care of there, and doesn't want to get back in the hospital. Mark my words, if she goes back to my sister's house, mother will end up back in the hospital with a repeat of the past month - or worse. At any rate, the evaluation results were positive; they said mother is still progressing, but due to the bad unhealed sores on her heels and bottom (which occurred at the hospital from lying in bed, and because she is diabetic) they thought she should remain at least two more weeks. She'll be evaluated each week, and if they think she has "reached a plateau," no longer improving, she'll be dismissed.

Well, this set off the war again between my two middle sisters. When they all got back to the room, the one sister who mother will be staying with went into a tirade of how we all just dumped this on her. (Excuse me, she volunteered; I've told her numerous times just to say "NO" if she can't take care of mother.) I'm glad I wasn't there, that's all I can say. The other sister remains passive, just lets the ranting go on...but knows she can't take care of mother's needs either.

IMO, mother is a nursing home patient. And I'm fairly sure her doctor would recommend such care...but if mother is totally resistant, then who knows what will happen? I think mother needs a mental evaluation; she often seems very confused, and perhaps even her kidney is not functioning well again. That can cause mental confusion, but there's been no test done on her kidney functioning. Because, I suppose, she refused dialysis at first, or the doctor doesn't think she can survive it.

And so it goes. I don't know what will happen, but think she'd be better off in the nursing home. Otherwise, if she returns to my sister's house, they will have to build a handicap ramp to get her in their house -- every entryway has LOTS of steep steps! And oh, the acrimony, the b*tching, woe unto us all.

I'm still looking for a job. No luck yet, but I am filling out applications at various places, hoping to find office work. Mostly I'd just like to get out of the house a few hours now and then, and the pay would help when I lose Cobra and have to buy more expensive health insurance.

We had a light dusting of snow/ice last night, but nothing too bad. It's been gray, COLD, and drizzly rain all day, so I will use the indoor bike today while I watch Dr. Phil. I think I'm bored!

That's it for today.