My Novels

Monday, December 10, 2012

Loony Bin III

Sunday Morning, October 15th

Woke up extremely depressed, started crying. I've made such a mess of my life. Better if I had died. Feel suicidal, but mostly just sad and lonely.

Been having vivid dreams, even if I just close my eyes to dose, I have such clear dreams, mostly that I'm back home & petting my dogs. Sometimes I even see J. (my late husband). He's always happy and doing something around the house. (Note: looking back, this might have been hallucinations from withdrawal?)

Wish I could stop crying. Already had my bath, dressed and ready for breakfast. Only 6:30! Maybe need meds changed?

Sister & brother-in-law visited this afternoon...45 minutes are the limit, 10 minutes for phone calls. They said everything was good with my cats. And my nephew had come home (at other sister's house) for a few days; he was keeping dogs entertained.

The meds make me calm but I feel sleepy all the time. I forgot to send a book back to the library.

Eating way too much here. Will have to diet when I leave.

So sleepy after eating supper, a good meal of chili, salad and bread.

Feel like I could sleep forever.


Note: I didn't know at that point my room was subject to searches and the journal was probably being read. I was zonked during that weekend.


Mike Firesmith said...

The lies we tell ourselves is something no one drags out into the light, Cara, and it’s a shame we don’t do this more often, and it is more of a shame we don’t admit we ought to do so. When my younger sister’s first husband was cheating on her she went through an entire and typical list of things he might have been doing other than what the evidence suggested was going on. After several conversations with her as to what might be happening she went to where he worked and discovered he wasn’t there, and indeed, they had never been open so late as he claimed. He confessed and it got even more surreal after that; she was more angry with those of us who had revealed the lie than the man who had told them.

You have embarked upon a voyage of incredible personal integrity and I must say the candor involved in this journey is not only exhilarating but at the same time it is quite disconcerting. I’m not sure I could reach within to this sort of place and pull out the guts and entrails of despair and show them to be what they are. You’ve done a very good job at this. Disconcertion is an emotion most writers aspire to but cannot create because they have not the courage to reveal it.

One of the lies you told yourself was that you are old. You are sixty years old but that doesn’t mean you have to wait to die, or wait to live. Your writing has a plain truth about hard subjects and there are many people out there, young, old, male, female, windows, and those who do not quite yet realize they will be one day, who need your voice.

There is much more being said by your words that is being heard louder than you can know.

Take Care,


Brenda said...

I admire you, Cara. God bless.