My Novels

Friday, December 28, 2007

Friday night

It was indeed a sad time at the funeral home visitation; everyone was in the same shock as when DH died. Walking around in a daze, zombie-like, and looking like they hadn't slept since the news arrived.

I, however, was much more emotional. I don't know why it hit me so hard, but I just started crying and really had a difficult time getting control of myself. I suppose it was partly just knowing what my sister-in-law will have to go through; there's no words really to explain that to anyone, even if you wish you could. Even nearly two years later, I think I'm just starting to truly come out of that "daze" and realize I'm going to be alone the rest of my life. NO ONE can replace my husband, and after 35 years of marriage, I could never even try.

Now it seems the loneliness is the worst ordeal. At first there's the shock, the business that has to be taken care of; the feeling of "I must be strong." But eventually all that pales compared to the yawning abyss of loneliness that is a single person's life. I never thought I'd feel that, because I'd always considered myself a solitary person, a loner. And I still am to some extent, and cannot abide constant socializing. On the other hand, if you want to find out if you are really a loner -- just live alone 24/7 and see what it really means.

I don't regret leaving my position at the newspaper, because it was the flipside of being too lonely and aloneness. TOO much interaction, pressure, expectation, social events, etc. On the other hand, I do want to find some kind of social network -- perhaps a less stressful part-time job, and some volunteering. Just enough to get me out sometimes, and yet have plenty of alone-time and time with my pets.

At any rate, it's all over now for my brother-in-law. Only one sibling, a sister age 52, sill living. And of course, DH's mother -- who I always told him would outlive us both. Looks like I might have been right!

I'm in a transition phase -- don't know exactly what I want to do or will enjoy in the coming New Year. But I suppose it's another adventure. That is, as long as I stay healthy.

Till next time...

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Bad, sad news

My brother-in-law (husband's younger brother) died this morning from a heart attack. He was the exact age my husband was when he had his first heart attack: 57.

Everyone is in shock, of course. I'm not sure of all the details yet, only know he was in Florida on business.

It's exactly these kind of repeated episodes, sudden heart attack deaths, which compelled me to resign my position. Too much stress takes a toll, and exacts a deadly price.

More when I'm able to get over yet another shocking death in the family (too many to recount here now).

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Optimist? Opportunist?

Good question, don't you think?

I made "contacts" during my somewhat brief stint at the newspaper -- important ones. Ones that can lead to employment in a better environment. I don't want to elaborate on this, but suffice to say, the "fruits" of my labor are looking productive.

Otherwise, I'm in an upbeat mood -- which must be a 'first' for me during this season. I'm enjoying the lack of pressure/stress, take the dogs on long walks every day, have lost 3 pounds and eating much better.

I rented some movies to watch over the holiday, and plan to hibernate and enjoy myself. I had hardly watched a movie during the past six months, due to being so absorbed by work/ideas/stress. Now I can play catch-up with movies AND novel reading. I've read two novels in less than a week, with more ready and waiting. I have MISSED novels/reading; it's like missing my soul.

Later this afternoon, my sister/bro-in-law/nephew are arriving and have several items we've swapped out -- I let them have my laptop (which I never used) in exchange for a TV/DVD player for my bedroom. Plus, they'll set it all up for me.

Not mentioned in this blog yet, but I bought a new Emachines desktop computer for my xmas gift to myself this year. 21.6 inch flat screen, Windows Vista, nice. Love it so far. My old Emachine got infected with viruses/spyware, and I plan to wipe it and restore to factory CD when I have time. Nothing else was wrong with it, just the malicious virus/spyware.

Soooooooo, I'm still happy. And wondering what is beyond that next closed door.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I'm baaaaaaaaack!

I'm Nobody! Who are you? (260)
by Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us?
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog.

That means, quite simply, I have resigned my position. Why?

I had just written a long rant about all the problems with the position, stressful office environment, demands of the job, deadlines, you-name-it. But accidentally hit the wrong key and destroyed the words. Probably for the best.

I think brevity is sometimes preferred: Emily's poem says it best. I have learned I prefer to be an anonymous "nobody" than "somebody" out there in the public. Having to attend social events (what could be a worse nightmare for a loner?), dealing with disgruntled people, demands never-ending to perform, be more and more creative, etc. They were always "raising the bar," and no matter how much you did, how much praise you got, they expected MORE. That, my friends, is PRESSURE unending.

Job description went out the window, and it turned into a situation where I was expected to fulfill my duties AND take up the slack in any other area when necessary. I'm a bit old to be climbing over wrecks, or forcing my way into a wild fire for an interview.

Suffice to say, stress got to me. I KNOW when I'm too stressed, and had realized it building for at least the last two months. I've seen too many people in their late 40s and 50s keep working when they KNEW they shouldn't. And then drop dead of a heart attack or suffer with cancer, starting with my husband less than two years ago.

We all die in the end, and I know stress is not the ONLY contributing factor to illness and death. But I DO believe it plays a much larger factor in today's society than even doctors realize.

At any rate, I'm a nobody again. However, I will occasionally write freelance articles for the newspaper. The editor and publisher DID NOT want me to resign, but I was determined. And hey, I boosted my savings account too. And I must admit the most joy I got was writing about everyday, ordinary people and their lives. That was also when I got the most compliments from the public. There is a weekly "Friends & Neighbors" column I will probably start to write sometimes in the spring for the newspaper.

What next? Have no idea. I do like working occasionally, but I'm the type who cannot possibly do a loooooong stint at ANY job. However, I can do three to six months easily -- and keep boosting the savings. Or at least if I get so bored here at home, I'm sure I can do SOMETHING like volunteering or clerical work long enough to send me screaming back to my privacy and peace.

I'm looking at it like this: When one door closes, another opens.

And I wonder now what is beyond that next door...or, which adventure I'm destined for next?