My Novels

Sunday, December 02, 2012


As with all addictions, once you get started the momentum builds and builds, so that soon you find yourself on the dark road to oblivion. That's how it was for me, except for brief glances at the sunlight beckoning me back from that black edge of destruction.

Again, this is a continuation of a period when I was sober back in August:

August 10 (continuing the 4 questions regarding my drinking)

3. What do I think I will like about giving up my addiction. What good things might happen?

If I had to answer this while still drinking, I would have said NOTHING. However, now that it's been over a week sober, I can say I have more energy, sleep soundly, think more clearly--and am not depressed as deeply.

The very things I thought liquor did for me are the things I have being sober: sleeping well, thinking better, not as depressed.

As for what good things might happen...I simply don't know. I've never been an optimist, but only time can tell me what a sober future holds.

4. What do I think I won't like about giving up my addiction? Hate? Dread? Dislike?

Well, liquor had, in some warped way, become my companion. When I would think of not drinking, I'd get sad, feel lonely, as if I were actually breaking up with a lover. (Isn't that disgusting?)

I feared having no energy, being sad, depressed, lonely...ALONE. And missing my late husband. I'd convinced myself the liquor was important to my survival...when, in fact, it was killing me.

And, of course, I feared the physical suffering of detox.

August 15th (Another exercise)

First, list all the things that are most important to me:

Family, mainly my sisters
Pets, my dogs & cats
House/home. To have my own place mortgage-free (as I do now)
Health--so I can take care of myself
Car--driving allows independence
Computer--internet for interaction with others, news, research, info
TV, Netflix for movies/documentaries
Food--enough money to buy what I need
Money/Income--enough to provide for myself & pets
Solitude sometimes for writing/thinking
Walks with my dogs
Exercise, mostly walking but would like to join a gym
Weight--stay at my best size but get enough nutrition

From that list, choose the top 5 most important to my life:

Solitude & Writing

(So I cheated by listing two together, but in my mind, it fits my needs)

More to come.

Tomorrow is my birthday; I'll be 61. My sister/brother-in-law will be here to help with a project: one of those put-together pieces of furniture I can't handle! :-)


Mike Firesmith said...

When I was trying to give up smoking I never realized how strong the psychological aspect of addiction was. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is much more of a problem than merely getting rid of cravings. Who you are when you are under the influence is who you become. Quitting isn’t just putting up with the withdrawal, which is bad enough, but evolves into a form of suicide. You are literally destroying the person you are to become the person you want to be. The mind doesn’t let go of patterns or habits easily.
When I was much younger I never realized that older people who smoked, drank, or abused their medications were addicts of sorts. I was from the generation that believed once a person reached adulthood there was a magical transformation that led to wisdom, good judgment, and most of all, happiness.

I went for years waiting for this to be bestowed upon me and one day realized that not only was it not going to happen to me but it also wasn’t going to happen to anyone else, either.

I seriously believe that you are on the right track, Cara, and I think your writing will help in this. It will also help others.

And thanks for turning off the security. I have no idea why I can’t seem to get those things right.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mike for the comment. As my journal entries continue, you'll see how I would take one step forward (sober), then fail again...and again till I finally had to outside help. I still don't know why I just could do it by myself...but maybe somebody out there will learn from my experience.

I do feel more certain that I'll not drink again. Yet I also know I still need AA, another group and the therapist. My sisters tried to help, but it seemed to make me worse at the time.

Anyhow, thanks again!