My Novels

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Pain or Paralysis?

For out of nothing comes nothing. But out of suffering may come the cure. Better have pain than paralysis. --Florence Nightingale

And this has been my dilemma after passing the first sad-anniversay of DH's death: Do I let the pain cause paralysis, or throw myself into SOMETHING, no matter what? At times these past few months I feel like I have become invisible, which in itself is not that bad. And I DO like my alone time, but after 24/7 day after day, a couple of weeks being begin to feel, well, a little strange. No matter how you enjoy the solitude, it's a different ball-game 24/7 unending.

Sure I get out -- take the dogs on walks, ride my bike (unless it's been too hot, like the last couple days), go shopping, see family occasionally. Yet I feel adrift, lost in the sea of my life. I know that a certain cure would be to force myself back into creative writing, a story, a novel. But for the past few years, having been so busy with renovating the farmhouse, loss of husband, selling house/farm, moving, etc. I have gotten out of practice. Discipline is necessary for any writing, but especially for writing fiction. I have, of course, written the memoir -- and in all honesty, I can't say it was cathartic, more like the MOST depressing thing I've ever had to write. And I can still tinker with it, improve possibly here and there, but have simply had to "let it go" for now, or go completely mad.

Hence in a weak moment, I sent off a resume/clippings for the Lifestyle Editor position open at our local newspaper. Really didn't think I'd hear anything, but yesterday afternoon the guy who will be managing editor (and is still employed in Texas) called and said the publisher had given him my name, information. We talked awhile, he asked various questions and I answered -- probably not enthusiastically enough. (Hey, age will do that to you! Ha!) Nevertheless, I emailed him some ideas this morning, and don't know if I'll hear back or not. Either way, I'm okay with it. IF interviewed, offered the position, I'll consider it right; if not, I can surely deal with that. I DID suggest I'd be more interested in part-time work, should something become available; at my age, and not NEEDING to earn income, don't know if I'm capable of a full-time, stressful position.

At any rate, that is what has been happening here. It's so dry, we're in such a draught, I can just take the electric weedeater out and whack down any stray weeds that happen to thrive; most of the yard looks practically DEAD. Don't dare mow, for fear it'll kill what is left. And I'm certainly not going to water grass, only to create a lawn-mowing job which I hate. I simply cannot LIKE the nasty, gritty, horrible physical labor of lawn-mowing, even with a riding mower. Should I go back to work, I'll hire it done.

It is smothering, stifling HOT outside, so bad that I've not been on the bike ride in two days. Late in the afternoon, I do take my dogs for a walk around the block, and even then, they (and I) are exhausted upon return.

Haven't slept well the past few nights, have no idea why -- possibly just feeling uncertain about the future. I think tonight I'll read Jane Eyre, the novel I've been rereading lately (GREAT) in bed before trying to sleep.

Sister/bro-in-law returned from vacation, and other sister went home. Don't mind saying, it was a stressful week for all of us -- since sister brought mother here several times, and frankly, it is getting more and more difficult for me to keep up a pretense of mother's presence NOT causing me emotional turmoil, due to the ongoing situation at my sister's home where mother is living.

Now I think I'll go eat some of the delicious chicken breast/brown rice I cooked in the crockpot today. Yum! I'll end with this recent picture of Oscar -- he's getting a bit tubby!

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