Happy Mother's Day

So, Friday I saw the most amazing Oprah show in which, OMG, celebrity moms had such amazing, incredible, astounding wisdom about not only being a mom, but how to praise your own mom. LOL. I mean, these celeb moms (especially Maria Shriver) probably haven't seen, much less actually raised their kids, in forevvver. It would have been sad if it wasn't sooooo hilarious...particularly the Demi Moore interview in which she espouses maternal wisdom when, clearly, she hated her own mother MOST of her life, wouldn't even speak to her. Yeah, gotcha (good PR).

Anyway, if these women did NOT have children, would they dare speak out about being happily childfree? Methinks proably NOT. I'm just saying...celeb moms giving advice on parenting is like Anna Nichole advising us on sobriety. Or Oprah even hosting this topic, since she herself hasn't married OR had kids and by all accounts, left her mother to live with her father who helped her become who she is today. But never mind, it's Mother's Day.

Hmm, what really got me to thinking was the segment where Maria Shriver/Terminator said the best thing to do for Mother's Day is write your mom a letter listing what you learned from her.

Okay, here goes my top ten list of what I learned from my mother (who gave birth to me, but who I DO NOT consider my actual mother since my paternal grandmother is who I bonded with):

10. How to act childlike and stupid

9. How to deny anything and everything that happens and pretend life is just rosy

8. Keep pretending even when you are slapped in the face, beaten to within an inch of your life by your alcoholic husband

7. Have a bunch of kids and then ignore them, neglect them

6. Be especially enabling to your alcoholic husband so he can't face the consequences of his addiction

5. Always choose your husband over your children, even if their lives are threatened

4. If all else fails, burden your husband's parents with demands and know they'll help

3. IF your husband dies and leaves you and your children penniless, make sure your grown daughter/son-in-law feel guilty and responsible so they'll help you (Keep up this act if you end up alone and penniless in old age, so one of the daughters -- the religious one -- will take you in though it may destroy her life)

2. After your alcoholic husband dies, start dating as soon as possible and ignore your children so you can go out and have a good time

And the Number ONE thing I learned:

1. Be selfish, self-centered to the exclusion of everyone else in your life

I have to say I learned the #1 lesson best, though the others obviously didn't seem to make much sense to me. It took a long, long time...but I finally realized that #1 lesson is worthy of following (and pretty much what makes America a great country of capitalism -- greed/selfishness rules).

So Happy Mother's Day all you ladies who think you'll be different than your mom's and that YOUR kids will really, really love you and be good to you, even as you truly (deep in your heart, though you SAY otherwise) don't care much for your own mom.