I'm a bit more settled, but not exactly back to normal. Suffice to say, I am still experiencing some confusion...and haven't resolved some of the personal issues surrounding the current situation.
My main problem seems to be that I'm fairly sure DH told me a lie BEFORE we married; I can understand WHY he did it, for if he hadn't I wouldn't have married him. On the other hand, now I feel cheated....as if I have to examine our entire lives together, wondering if he lied about other stuff. Perhaps not. However, my trust in him is shaky to say the least -- NOT a good way to live. And possibly this will lead to a separation in time, because I can't live in such a state of anxiety all the time, never knowing if what he says is true or not.
Additionally, there have been times in our marriage when I was on the verge of separation...but he always talked me out of it. Always made it seem I was the one who was doing wrong, even if I just wanted some time away, to have my own friends, etc. And all the while, here he sat with that big fat lie he told me before we married. It just makes me so ANGRY. And my unresolved anger has a way of turning into revenge.
To top it all off, my mother is back in the hospital. I was there yesterday and the day before; she is having a bad time, and was diagnosed with bronchitis, as well as congestive heart failure. I don't know if she'll make it out of there this time, and fear the worst. IF she goes home, she will have to have special breathing therapy, and oxygen tanks. Our step-dad is deaf as a stone, won't wear his hearing aid, and cannot possibly take care of her. Perhaps she needs to think about nursing home care for at least awhile? I just don't know...but it sure is stressful on all of us.
In the meantime though, we almost have the old house completed -- or at least livable. Should be ready to either live in or rent or sell by the middle of February. I uploaded some recent photos of the progress, which can be accessed by clicking on the "Renovation Updates" link to the right, or by clicking HERE. Go to the bottom of that page, then the next page for the photos which include newly painted rooms.
More when I'm better able to write objectively about my situation. I'll close with this quote I found, which sort of reminds me of my independent streak as a writer: "I'll walk where my own nature would be leading: It vexes me to choose another guide." --Emily Brontë