Recovery Thoughts

One of the most important aspects of recovery from my alcohol habit is...believe it or not, to put it in the past. To remember it like a bad nightmare that I finally awoke from. I know this is contrary to what many substance abuse programs teach, but the truth is, I'm doing better solo now than attending group meetings. I do plan one last visit to my therapist, just to touch base and let her know my plans.

At any rate, I want to get on with my life. After all, I didn't drink for 55+ years, so I choose to look at my alcohol problem as a response to my husband's death -- and not resolving the loss issues. It was a temporary solution to a permenant problem; I do think I've resolved some of the lingering loss issues, though I've come to accept I'll always miss him and sometimes lapse into grief and sorrow. I try to curb thinking: "What if..." Or, "By now, he & I would have done this or that..." None of that can ever happen, and it's best to stop that line of thought before it gets out-of-hand and triggers a need to escape via alcohol.

I am very aware of the triggers that lead to drinking, and try to stop such thoughts. As well, I have decided I have a lot to live for, banishing the suicidal thoughts I had during my bouts with alcohol. In other words, I feel able to deal with the underlying causes of turning to drink.

I just don't want to spend the remainder of my life being involved in treatment or even helping others with drinking problems. I tried that with my own father -- who was an alcoholic. Never had much success either. Being around reformed male alcoholics remind me of the terrorizing childhood I had, so that is something I need to avoid. AA here had lots of those males, moreso than the female members.

What am I saying here to myself? I want to always be aware of my weakness for alcohol, but I'm determined never to let it rule my life again. Five years was enough, and plenty to make me walk a road I never want to travel again.

A beautiful, mild, sunny day. Already took the dogs on a long walk, and now it's time for baths. I laundered their bedding this morning, have it hanging on the clothesline to air dry.

I'll end with this one last picture of my late husband and I. Remember, this was taken in 1972...thus his long sideburns and my hairstyle. My old photos like this one are starting to fade, as if the past itself is moving into a disappearing realm.

Just Another Thursday

I went to the library early; by the time I got back home, the sun was shining. Felt nice after several days of rain and overcast skies.

Took the dogs on our usual long walk, even though a brisk wind dictated I bundle up snugly. Tomorrow is definitely dog bath day! And we're predicted to get a warmer, sunny day.

And now for a few photos (click to enlarge):

         One of my favorite pix of late husband

        Late husband at Vietnam Memorial/montage

       Oscar always finds a sunny spot!

I'm reading a book titled, "A Dog Named Boo," and found this wonderful quote from the Anasazi Dog Myth:

The earth trembled and a great rift appeared, separating the first man and woman from the rest of the animal kingdom. As the chasm grew deeper and wider, all other creatures, afraid for their lives, returned to the forest--except for the dog, who after much consideration, leapt the perilous rift to stay with the humans on the other side. His love for humanity was greater than his bond with other creatures, he explained, and he willingly forfeited his place in paradise to prove it.

With that, I'm outta here for today.

My favorite classical music

I bundled up and took the dogs on a brisk walk. We didn't go as far today, due to the frigid temperature and overcast sky. But it was good to get out of the house...

Not much happening here, so I wanted to share this with anyone who has time to appreciate classical music:

           Claude Debussy : Clair de Lune, for Piano 

Memory Lane

Most of my entries lately have been somber, so I wanted to start the New Year's with a pictorial of myself I found while looking through some old photos. Click to enlarge any of the  pictures.

Once upon a time...

 I was 30, standing in my grandparents' old barn

                   I was 32 and in my prime

         Again the same year, being mischievous

                            Here I'm age 40

Here I am 45

                            I'm 50 in this photo

                           With Rambo at 55

                                   58 here

                             Recently, age 60

 And today, the camera is not so kind; I look               better from a safe distance! :-)

At least I am reminded of my physical progression through time and how aging sneaks up on us when we are simply living.

I'm cooking veggie soup with black eye peas for good luck. It's a bleak day here, raining steadily.

Yesterday afternoon after a long walk with the dogs, I puttered around in my yard, fertilizing a few shrubs, etc.

So it begins...the future, 2013.