Haven't written anything since DH died (I don't think) regarding my starvation affliction. Yep, "ana" as the nickname of those on the web with this...er, problem, call it.
At any rate, I will never, ever feel normal regarding eating. If I eat "right" -- healthy -- I still feel guilty if I don't exercise EVERY single day. One day without biking (or walking the dogs/using the indoor bike) and I'm depressed, deeply. If I cut back and eat barely 1,000 calories a day, I feel triumphant, exuburant. So this is a lifetime affliction.
I thought I was overcoming my obsession with eating, since I've now gained beyond 100 lbs. But secretly, I harbor fantasies of getting back down to that 88 lb skinny waif. I always thought if I were alone, no one would KNOW what I ate; therefore, I might eat NOTHING. Not necessarily so. I don't like to cook, never did, but always tried to make nutritious meals for DH. Now I won't cook, unless I absolutely have to -- so I won't starve. Instead I eat a lot of the wrong things: prepackaged crap, soups, too much sodium, whatever (although no fast foods). I love salads, but sometimes just hate preparing one for myself. I still eat mostly vegetarian stuff, with occasional chicken.
Yet today I checked my BMI adjusted for age, and guess what? It was only 17.3. I guess I ONLY FEEL fat, as usual, but I'm not.
It is very true that no matter how we look to others, we will always see ourselves within our mind/imagination in a certain way. And I fear I'll always FEEL like a fat person, though others do not see me that way.
{Update tomorrow on mother's evaluation.}
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