Saturday Thoughts

Next Tuesday will mark a month since DH passed away. I don't know if I'm adapting, or simply acting crazy. It seems every day I have a new idea, and the next day it seems like a crazy idea! However, this is par for the course during the first year of losing a spouse.

This past week my sister stayed three days with me, due to her husband being out of town. We shopped in all the nearby thrift shops, and found some great bargains. We also looked at houses in town, which has become an increasing obsession since DH died. I've always been interested in real estate, but now I'm serious about finding a place to move.

To that end, I found one possible prospect: an historic house built in 1900 -- one block from the historic district on the northeast of town. It is in a first-class neighborhood, wonderful homes/neighbors, and the only drawback is the tremendous amount of work to be done on the inside. However, the pricing is right: it's obscenely cheap, since an older lady's family is selling it to move her into the nursing home.

I had a contractor look at the interior/exterior and give me an estimate on repairs...and it was very reasonable. Then I had a real estate agent come out and give me a price range for listing this house/land: $129,000.00 to $139,000.00. If I buy the old historic house in town, have it updated/renovated, and sell this place I'll end up with about $30,000.00 to $40,000.00 profit!

The major problem is juggling the sell of this house/land with buying/renovating the old historic house in town. Here's a picture of that house:



Is this a crazy idea? Or a smart move? I don't know, and haven't committed to either buying/selling just yet, but I AM seriously considering it. For one thing, DH was insistent that I move from here when he learned how ill he was; he was worried I couldn't take care of this place, particularly the barn/pasture/outbuildings. And while I love my mini-horses, I know I could find them good homes too. At any rate, I'm thinking about taking on this project. I LOVE old houses, and have always wanted to live in an historic house in that particular neighborhood.

I have read a book, "The Year of Magical Thinking," by Joan Didion, about her first year of being a widow. Highly recommended!

In the meantime, I have my ups and downs. I'm not eating well, because food doesn't seem important; I've lost down to 100 lbs. Some nights I cry, some nights I do okay. Some days I am restless, cannot sit still (hence, my lack of blogging); some days I am paralyzed with indecision, stare blankly into space. Most of the time I'm still confused, and just wish I could talk everything over with DH, like we always did. I'll miss him to the day I die, of that I am certain.

Cherish your loved ones, for you never know when your hug or kiss will be the last one forever.

Ups and Downs and Indecision

I guess all new widows (can't believe that word actually means ME) go through this process, but it seems every day I change my mind about something. One day I am ready to sell this place; the next, I want to keep it. One day I start looking for a job (even just part-time to keep me busy and out of the house); then the next, I think I could not go to work this quickly.

Yesterday I went to DH's office, and cleared out his belongings. It was tough, but at least I had wonderful comments from all his co-workers. I also turned in his uniforms, and other departmental related stuff. Again, not a happy time...but I knew others might need me to do that, so the equipment could be provided for other workers.

I am about halfway through all the paperwork, in that I have the death certificates, and have distributed some to the most urgent needed places. First I had to set-up Cobra medical insurance so I'll have it for three years, though it's a steep price -- but at least I will have the same excellent health care policy. Retirement issues next, getting a monthly income check started; then life insurance policy settled. Tomorrow I see a lawyer (the same friend who did our house closing two years ago)to probate DH's will and then the life insurance agent. I have enough savings, plus DH's last huge vacation/sick/comp time check, and various amounts for what I'm selling off slowly around here -- so I'm doing okay financially. Luckily the rental house in town will more than pay for my medical insurance coverage. Still, I do hope the retirement check doesn't get bogged down in red tape.

My little ponies are truly getting spoiled silly! Now when I call Ginger and Festus for their sweet feed, and yell: "Run! Run!" they do! They are soooo cute galloping across the pasture for their treat. Today I actually shoveled horse s*hit out of the big barn, since they stay in there at night and have a huge round bale of hay inside to munch on. I sure do love them, even if I do eventually sell them to a good home. For now, I'm enjoying them greatly!

I miss DH more than words can ever express. But I'm surviving. I even went on a bike ride this afternoon, which was nice just to feel the breeze, enjoy the sunshine. I think of him all the time, but I am coping...and that is all I can expect for now. And of course, my family sticks close to me, and I'm so grateful to them all.

If you've written to me, I promise to reply as soon as I have time and feel up to writing.

Still alive...

Just a few lines to let everyone know I'm still alive...but struggling. Fortunately for me my doctor prescribed some antidepressants as well as something to calm my nerves or I doubt I could have made it through all the turmoil/pain of the past week.

The service was special, and the turnout of the community in praise of my DH's lifetime service was especially gratifying. Seeing so many people whose lives he'd touched helped me get through the viewing and funeral.

I miss him awfully; life will NEVER be the same. Sudden death has its own dictates and I'm just going through the motions right now. There's a MOUNTAIN of paperwork to muddle through, and that is taking a lot of time/concentration.

Additionally, my sisters/family/friends haven't left me alone very much. I've managed to spend the last couple of nights at home alone -- and frankly, it was good to relax and BE ALONE. I love my family and I KNOW I couldn't have managed without them, but sometimes one just needs a little alone time.

Tomorrow my sister is coming to spend another night; she spent the whole weekend with me too. We have a few plans, plus I'm still hoping to get the death certificate sometimes this week and start procedures for various legal issues related to death of a spouse.

One problem is that people DH did horse/trailer business with (as a hobby) keep stopping by asking if they can buy this or that; we have a LOT of valuable equipment, etc. around here, and I just am NOT in the mood to explain to them I'm NOT ready to sell ANYTHING. Family is urging me to move back to the city, but I don't know if I really want to or not. Mainly right now I'm CONFUSED and don't want to do anything impulsive I might regret later.

Today I finally managed to buy Ginger; I gave a little more than her owner wanted, but at least she's MINE now! Taking care of my two miniatures and the cats is one of my lifesavers during this time.

Here's a couple pictures I took late this afternoon -- the first time I picked up a camera since DH died.


Heading in to get their sweet feed


Wandering tomcat takes a break on my barn ledge

Thanks to all who have made caring comments, and I appreciate so much the sentiments. I hope to write more here when time permits, but in the meantime, please know I'm coping -- albeit sometimes with much difficulty.

Tragic News

I don't have much time for this post, but just wanted to let my friends/readers know that my husband died. It was totally unexpected, and we're all still in shock, trying to deal with the funeral arrangements, etc.

Apparently, after the one chemo treatment on Monday (which he said didn't bother him in any way), he had a massive heart attack around 2:00 the next morning. All efforts to save him were unsuccessful and he passed away.

I went to my G.P. on Monday and she gave me medication to help with the situation, and I'm coping now. Otherwise I don't think I'd make it through all this.

I'm very busy, and only here at home for a very short time, since I'm staying with one of my sister's most of the time. The funeral is tomorrow at 1:00, viewing tonight, and he will be cremated -- which was his wishes. There will be LOTS of people attending, since he was well-known and active in the community. I'm hoping to hold up...but I'm sure once all the activity is over I'll have my own emotional pain to deal with.

More when I'm able to write/think at length. Thanks for all your prayers and good wishes.