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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Ups and Downs and Indecision

I guess all new widows (can't believe that word actually means ME) go through this process, but it seems every day I change my mind about something. One day I am ready to sell this place; the next, I want to keep it. One day I start looking for a job (even just part-time to keep me busy and out of the house); then the next, I think I could not go to work this quickly.

Yesterday I went to DH's office, and cleared out his belongings. It was tough, but at least I had wonderful comments from all his co-workers. I also turned in his uniforms, and other departmental related stuff. Again, not a happy time...but I knew others might need me to do that, so the equipment could be provided for other workers.

I am about halfway through all the paperwork, in that I have the death certificates, and have distributed some to the most urgent needed places. First I had to set-up Cobra medical insurance so I'll have it for three years, though it's a steep price -- but at least I will have the same excellent health care policy. Retirement issues next, getting a monthly income check started; then life insurance policy settled. Tomorrow I see a lawyer (the same friend who did our house closing two years ago)to probate DH's will and then the life insurance agent. I have enough savings, plus DH's last huge vacation/sick/comp time check, and various amounts for what I'm selling off slowly around here -- so I'm doing okay financially. Luckily the rental house in town will more than pay for my medical insurance coverage. Still, I do hope the retirement check doesn't get bogged down in red tape.

My little ponies are truly getting spoiled silly! Now when I call Ginger and Festus for their sweet feed, and yell: "Run! Run!" they do! They are soooo cute galloping across the pasture for their treat. Today I actually shoveled horse s*hit out of the big barn, since they stay in there at night and have a huge round bale of hay inside to munch on. I sure do love them, even if I do eventually sell them to a good home. For now, I'm enjoying them greatly!

I miss DH more than words can ever express. But I'm surviving. I even went on a bike ride this afternoon, which was nice just to feel the breeze, enjoy the sunshine. I think of him all the time, but I am coping...and that is all I can expect for now. And of course, my family sticks close to me, and I'm so grateful to them all.

If you've written to me, I promise to reply as soon as I have time and feel up to writing.

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