When my father died at age 42, all of us were in shock. I remember the LONG sleepless nights, the horrible reality of bleak days. Sure, he was an alcoholic, abusive, disturbed (whatever term you want to call it) but I guess I always hoped he'd improve, get better, get over it...whatever.
He was a long-distance truckdriver and for YEARS after he died, I'd see truckers in profile, shadowy in their truck cabs and think it was daddy. He really wasn't dead, it was all a mistake. Once, DH and I went to see a movie (early 70s) with Steve McQueen, and I thought that HE was the spitting image of daddy. YES, they resembled one another...but not THAT much. It was a nightmare, plain and simple.
When we were at my daddy's funeral, I had this awful thought that the only way the situation could be worse was IF it was DH who died. I was young, fragile, and DH was always there for me.
When DH died, I could not look at a patrol car or horse or ANYTHING that he was part of, that he cared about, without crying. I still find that difficult even now.
Isn't it strange how we think that we humans can arrange and plan our lives, when in fact, we have no control. The ONLY true fact is this: "Nothing is certain but death and taxes." Too bad I can't claim that wisdom as my own.
Just having a really sad, bad night.
My Novels
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Belated update
This past week has been hectic. We had a couple more full days at my mother's place, clearing out stuff, disposing, sorting, etc. NOT fun.
I got my dental work finished (for now), new glasses (which I hate because of the "progressive lenses" and will take back for basic tri-focals), yadda, yadda, yadda. Mother is still living with the same sister, and though she DOES qualify for quite a good bit of income from the VA -- she can't get it for NINE months. Ahem! That is thanks to our dear prez. (And I have noticed that Iraq is now into civil war, a total disaster and ahem!, didn't I call that at the VERY start of the whole shebang!)
In the meantime, war has broken out here between my two middle sisters, since they seem to be saddled with my mother. I told them I will NOT have her stay here more than a couple days. So the one sister who told mother's doctor SHE would let mother live with her is now "up the creek without a paddle." Mother's GP was filling out forms for "assisted care" when this sister volunteered. Now she will have to go back and tell him she can't manage all that physical care: and it is a LOT. Mother is a diabetic, had a stroke some years ago, cannot get up and down steps without assistance, is incontinent and more. Surely more than I could manage.
This afternoon I went to see a movie alone, just one of those "chick flicks" -- The Holiday. I didn't know if it'd be all that great, but knew if it involved scenes of a cottage in England, it'd be great. I LOVE the English countryside, and cannot resist a good movie with fabulous "big-screen" imagery of it. The movie has an interesting premise: two women exchange houses for a "vacation." There are many websites with ACTUAL people wanting to do this very thing, so it's not that unusual. And it was a romantic comedy, but turned out to be a little more serious than I thought. Overall though, a good movie.
Today there was an ad in the local newspaper seeking a news reporter. Should I apply or not? Ah, the million dollar question. Haven't decided just yet. I may or may not.
More later.
I got my dental work finished (for now), new glasses (which I hate because of the "progressive lenses" and will take back for basic tri-focals), yadda, yadda, yadda. Mother is still living with the same sister, and though she DOES qualify for quite a good bit of income from the VA -- she can't get it for NINE months. Ahem! That is thanks to our dear prez. (And I have noticed that Iraq is now into civil war, a total disaster and ahem!, didn't I call that at the VERY start of the whole shebang!)
In the meantime, war has broken out here between my two middle sisters, since they seem to be saddled with my mother. I told them I will NOT have her stay here more than a couple days. So the one sister who told mother's doctor SHE would let mother live with her is now "up the creek without a paddle." Mother's GP was filling out forms for "assisted care" when this sister volunteered. Now she will have to go back and tell him she can't manage all that physical care: and it is a LOT. Mother is a diabetic, had a stroke some years ago, cannot get up and down steps without assistance, is incontinent and more. Surely more than I could manage.
This afternoon I went to see a movie alone, just one of those "chick flicks" -- The Holiday. I didn't know if it'd be all that great, but knew if it involved scenes of a cottage in England, it'd be great. I LOVE the English countryside, and cannot resist a good movie with fabulous "big-screen" imagery of it. The movie has an interesting premise: two women exchange houses for a "vacation." There are many websites with ACTUAL people wanting to do this very thing, so it's not that unusual. And it was a romantic comedy, but turned out to be a little more serious than I thought. Overall though, a good movie.
Today there was an ad in the local newspaper seeking a news reporter. Should I apply or not? Ah, the million dollar question. Haven't decided just yet. I may or may not.
More later.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
A year ago...
I wish I could say I have some "happy" memories of my last birthday, but not really. I do recall that DH had a bad leg/foot injury from the LAST horse-ride he went on.
I love critters, I really do. My life attests to that, from the cat/dog rescues. But I also have my limits: I cannot handle a critter too large, too dangerous. Even the miniature horses I rescued were a bit too big for me to care for. Certainly, I learned that lesson again this past summer when I adopted a dog too large for me to take care of, and had to return it to the vet who raised it. (Otter is still there, perhaps happy to be in a familiar place.)
DH loved horses, perhaps to his own detriment. On his last horseback ride in the forest (with buddies) he had his first ever accident, and in some ways, it was a fatal one. I recall that after the oncologist told us he had leukemia, and said that "something" must have triggered it...I thought it was the heart medications, Plavix, Lipitor, etc. But I remember DH just looked at me, and said, "No, it was that." And he pointed at the spot on his leg where the horse had hurt him so badly.
Here's an excerpt from an entry about that last year:
DH's broken toes are healing well; however, he has a nasty-looking bruise/gash on his shin that happened at the same time. Apparently the horse's hoof hit DH's shin first, which is a more serious problem. The orthopedic doctor has him on the antibiotic cipro, and he's wearing a "boot" brace. But the shin wound keeps getting irritated, and is badly swollen, tender, sore, hot. He is following doctor's orders, but having some pain with that area. We just hope it heals, and the infection responds to the cipro.
He's beginning to have doubts about the whole horse thing, now that he realizes the complications that can arise from injuries and/or the medications. I wouldn't be as alarmed over him having minor accidents if he were not on so much heart medication that can truly cause complications. For example, the Plavix thins his blood so much that the least little bump produces a HUGE knot/bruise which takes days, if not weeks, to heal. IF he should ever get a head injury, we both fear that the bleeding around his brain would be a disaster!
Frankly, if it were me, I'd half the dosage of ALL the doctor has ordered. Once I was on extremely dangerous medication, and had I not cut it waaaay lower than the recommended dosage (eventually stopped taking it without the nephrologist's permission), I'm sure I'd be dead by now -- not from the kidney ailment I have, but from the "medication." But he has to make his own choices and decisions.
I don't know IF the horse injury triggered the leukemia; something did, but I still believe it was a combination of various things that happened and his medications. Plus, there was a definite "genetic" link to acute leukemia in his family -- unknown to us until he fell ill.
At any rate, a LOT of my "rationlizations" this year for his untimely death are similar to Joan Didion's book about her first year as a widow: The Year of Magical Thinking. We always want a reason why someone, especially a spouse, dies unexpectedly.
Perhaps though, as DH so often said, and as one of my former reporter friends said, "Shit happens." No more, no less than that. Who really knows? I don't. BUT I do know that DH DID think his leg injury contributed to his development of leukemia. He had so little time to consider his dire circumstances, and maybe that was for the best. He went to sleep after one chemo treatment, and just never woke up.
Today was a bitch! Family all worked to get mother's place cleared out, but still have to return on Monday and finish the task. Mother seems to be in that fog I was in, sort of between worlds. Of course, as I had figured, my sisters have realized they can't care for her, and are desperately looking into "assisted living" places...though until mother knows the exact amount of funds (SSI and VA benefits) she'll receive, there's no way to know if she can afford that. In the long run, she may end up in a nursing home.
I'm just rambling, thinking of the most horrible year of my life thus far. I can't wait for it be OVER, and hopefully start a new year that will be better.
Happy birthday...to myself. So far, a survivor!
I love critters, I really do. My life attests to that, from the cat/dog rescues. But I also have my limits: I cannot handle a critter too large, too dangerous. Even the miniature horses I rescued were a bit too big for me to care for. Certainly, I learned that lesson again this past summer when I adopted a dog too large for me to take care of, and had to return it to the vet who raised it. (Otter is still there, perhaps happy to be in a familiar place.)
DH loved horses, perhaps to his own detriment. On his last horseback ride in the forest (with buddies) he had his first ever accident, and in some ways, it was a fatal one. I recall that after the oncologist told us he had leukemia, and said that "something" must have triggered it...I thought it was the heart medications, Plavix, Lipitor, etc. But I remember DH just looked at me, and said, "No, it was that." And he pointed at the spot on his leg where the horse had hurt him so badly.
Here's an excerpt from an entry about that last year:
DH's broken toes are healing well; however, he has a nasty-looking bruise/gash on his shin that happened at the same time. Apparently the horse's hoof hit DH's shin first, which is a more serious problem. The orthopedic doctor has him on the antibiotic cipro, and he's wearing a "boot" brace. But the shin wound keeps getting irritated, and is badly swollen, tender, sore, hot. He is following doctor's orders, but having some pain with that area. We just hope it heals, and the infection responds to the cipro.
He's beginning to have doubts about the whole horse thing, now that he realizes the complications that can arise from injuries and/or the medications. I wouldn't be as alarmed over him having minor accidents if he were not on so much heart medication that can truly cause complications. For example, the Plavix thins his blood so much that the least little bump produces a HUGE knot/bruise which takes days, if not weeks, to heal. IF he should ever get a head injury, we both fear that the bleeding around his brain would be a disaster!
Frankly, if it were me, I'd half the dosage of ALL the doctor has ordered. Once I was on extremely dangerous medication, and had I not cut it waaaay lower than the recommended dosage (eventually stopped taking it without the nephrologist's permission), I'm sure I'd be dead by now -- not from the kidney ailment I have, but from the "medication." But he has to make his own choices and decisions.
I don't know IF the horse injury triggered the leukemia; something did, but I still believe it was a combination of various things that happened and his medications. Plus, there was a definite "genetic" link to acute leukemia in his family -- unknown to us until he fell ill.
At any rate, a LOT of my "rationlizations" this year for his untimely death are similar to Joan Didion's book about her first year as a widow: The Year of Magical Thinking. We always want a reason why someone, especially a spouse, dies unexpectedly.
Perhaps though, as DH so often said, and as one of my former reporter friends said, "Shit happens." No more, no less than that. Who really knows? I don't. BUT I do know that DH DID think his leg injury contributed to his development of leukemia. He had so little time to consider his dire circumstances, and maybe that was for the best. He went to sleep after one chemo treatment, and just never woke up.
Today was a bitch! Family all worked to get mother's place cleared out, but still have to return on Monday and finish the task. Mother seems to be in that fog I was in, sort of between worlds. Of course, as I had figured, my sisters have realized they can't care for her, and are desperately looking into "assisted living" places...though until mother knows the exact amount of funds (SSI and VA benefits) she'll receive, there's no way to know if she can afford that. In the long run, she may end up in a nursing home.
I'm just rambling, thinking of the most horrible year of my life thus far. I can't wait for it be OVER, and hopefully start a new year that will be better.
Happy birthday...to myself. So far, a survivor!
Friday, December 01, 2006
Leaves are all gone...
Thank goodness! I've raked leaves from one huge Bradford Pear tree for at least two weeks, off and on. And while I love it, I'll have to have it removed before spring. Turns out that I can't get an awning/extension beyond my (now fenced) carport (zone ordinances), and this tree is ruining my car! I won't miss raking all the leaves though.
I have several smaller trees in the backyard, and have it all tidy, neat now too. Seems like I've worked for a week or so on getting my yard in good shape, and next summer I plan to mow my own lawn too. Just got to find the right lawnmower (push, not riding) and think of it as GREAT exercise!
Tomorrow all the family is meeting at my mother's house to sort out and dispose/store most of her stuff. She will be going into assisted living soon, if the financial stuff works out, and her place is in the process of being sold. I dread the work, and it hasn't been that long since I had to do the same kind of grueling emotional/physical labor in clearing outbuildings, barns, house, etc after DH died. Must be done though, no use complaining.
Today I took Rambo and Oscar (separately) on long walks; I want them to know the neighborhood, in case they get loose they'll be able to find their way back home. Then around 4:00 in the afternoon, the gate was barely open (I was bringing in the rake) and sure enough, Rambo shot out of it and took off. I called him a couple times, then just left the gate slightly open to see if he'd return. Within FIVE minutes he was at the back door, whining to come inside!!! I try my best NOT to let them out of the fence, but accidents do happen and it's best if they "know" the neighborhood and how to get home.
I also took these cute photos this afternoon. It was only in the 40s here today, so I put their "outfits" on them, and let them romp in the backyard for awhile.
Oscar mugging for the camera
Rambo at the fence by neighbor's dogs
Rambo doing his favorite thing: digging!
There's more, but I'll post them later. I do hope to find a new digital camera soon, maybe next week.
And I'll end with a list of rules for dating I found on widownet.com...
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or is in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
{By the way, this was written by a man.}
Sunday is my birthday. I'll probably spend it alone. I was looking forward to turning 55 until DH died. I always thought it'd make me eligible for all those 55+ benefits. Now it just seems sad and means I'm getting OLD!
I have several smaller trees in the backyard, and have it all tidy, neat now too. Seems like I've worked for a week or so on getting my yard in good shape, and next summer I plan to mow my own lawn too. Just got to find the right lawnmower (push, not riding) and think of it as GREAT exercise!
Tomorrow all the family is meeting at my mother's house to sort out and dispose/store most of her stuff. She will be going into assisted living soon, if the financial stuff works out, and her place is in the process of being sold. I dread the work, and it hasn't been that long since I had to do the same kind of grueling emotional/physical labor in clearing outbuildings, barns, house, etc after DH died. Must be done though, no use complaining.
Today I took Rambo and Oscar (separately) on long walks; I want them to know the neighborhood, in case they get loose they'll be able to find their way back home. Then around 4:00 in the afternoon, the gate was barely open (I was bringing in the rake) and sure enough, Rambo shot out of it and took off. I called him a couple times, then just left the gate slightly open to see if he'd return. Within FIVE minutes he was at the back door, whining to come inside!!! I try my best NOT to let them out of the fence, but accidents do happen and it's best if they "know" the neighborhood and how to get home.
I also took these cute photos this afternoon. It was only in the 40s here today, so I put their "outfits" on them, and let them romp in the backyard for awhile.
There's more, but I'll post them later. I do hope to find a new digital camera soon, maybe next week.
And I'll end with a list of rules for dating I found on widownet.com...
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or is in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
{By the way, this was written by a man.}
Sunday is my birthday. I'll probably spend it alone. I was looking forward to turning 55 until DH died. I always thought it'd make me eligible for all those 55+ benefits. Now it just seems sad and means I'm getting OLD!
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