My Novels

Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year's Resolutions?

I really can't think of any to make this New Year's Day. I'm sure I ALWAYS did before, just as I ate the southern traditional "black-eye peas" for good luck. I have no peas and won't be eating any today. I did for all the years past, but from what I went through in 2005, I have to say I believe NOT eating any MIGHT be better luck this year.

I have had a serene day. It rained all day yesterday, and I couldn't get any exercise so today I took the dogs on a very long walk, then went on a bike ride. The temp is around 46, so it was brisk and windy, but invigorating. Nothing like exercise on a cold day to beat boredom.

Although I don't feel bored, really. Just in a sad reflective mood about this time last year -- with DH still home, cozy in our farmhouse. I don't think his leukemia symptoms appeared till around early February; the oncologist said acute leukemia can nearly destroy you in ONLY THREE weeks! Horrible and fatal, the initial weakness and vague symptoms aren't really understood till it's just about too late. That was the case with DH. I try not to blame myself or him, since he was under the care of THREE separate doctors (for his broken toes/shin injury, a cardiologist, a GP) and not ONE of them did a simple blood test -- which would have instantly led to more tests and a diagnosis. How could DH and I have known he was dying if the doctors didn't? Still, those circumstances will haunt me the rest of my life.

I rented some movies over the holidays, and have seen a few that are excellent:

Hard Candy Whoo boy, can you say "Fatal Attraction" for the MTV crowd? An older man chats with a teen online, and she comes for a visit -- but before it's all over, the male pedophile wishes he'd never met HER! Highly recommended!

North Country Well deserved awards went to this movie, and it is easily one of the BEST I've seen about an abused wife who struggles to assert her independence just by earning a wage-adequate job in the mines and provide for her children.

An American Haunting Based on a true ghost story about the "Bell Witch" in Tennessee...this movie wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but it had a profound theme/meaning anyhow. Worth watching.

I still have several more to watch before being due back at the rental place. Of those three though, "Hard Candy" was probably the very best.

My sister/brother-in-law brought my mother by after the closing on her place the other day. Mother is truly failing in health, weaker, more disoriented every time I see her. Which I CAN understand -- losing a spouse is difficult enough at my age, but at her age, it usually destroys the surviving spouse. Mother needs to be in a nursing home -- and not just because it would be less difficult on my sisters, but BECAUSE she could probably get better care there. She can't even remember which room she is in anymore, is totally vague, out-of-touch with reality. It takes a stout male for her to lean on when getting about. If she lives another year, I'll be surprised. Sad, but true.

My critters are all thriving. Oscar and Rambo are lying here beside me, taking a nap. Oscar managed to dig under the chainlink fence last week, so I had to find a remedy. I cut up some wire clotheshangers, made stakes out of them, and put them at short intervals -- which pretty much prevents him digging out. He only got into the neighbor's yard, couldn't get any further...but still, if he should get into the yard behind my house with those huge bulldogs, they might harm him.

I'll end this post with the lyrics from a popular country song that will ALWAYS remind me of DH. The odds of me ever finding this kind of love again are about like the odds of winning the lottery -- and oh yes, I've decided I'm NOT ready to date again. The couple times I DID, afterwards I was very depressed -- it just brings back too many memories of DH and he's all I talk about anyhow. No man wants to hear that until and IF I am ever over DH's death, I won't be dating.


"Making Memories Of Us"

I'm gonna be here for you baby
I'll be a man of my word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

I wanna honor your mother
I wanna learn from your pa
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us

We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way

I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you this promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss

And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust making memories of us

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