My Novels

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

About my weight...

Haven't written anything since DH died (I don't think) regarding my starvation affliction. Yep, "ana" as the nickname of those on the web with, problem, call it.

At any rate, I will never, ever feel normal regarding eating. If I eat "right" -- healthy -- I still feel guilty if I don't exercise EVERY single day. One day without biking (or walking the dogs/using the indoor bike) and I'm depressed, deeply. If I cut back and eat barely 1,000 calories a day, I feel triumphant, exuburant. So this is a lifetime affliction.

I thought I was overcoming my obsession with eating, since I've now gained beyond 100 lbs. But secretly, I harbor fantasies of getting back down to that 88 lb skinny waif. I always thought if I were alone, no one would KNOW what I ate; therefore, I might eat NOTHING. Not necessarily so. I don't like to cook, never did, but always tried to make nutritious meals for DH. Now I won't cook, unless I absolutely have to -- so I won't starve. Instead I eat a lot of the wrong things: prepackaged crap, soups, too much sodium, whatever (although no fast foods). I love salads, but sometimes just hate preparing one for myself. I still eat mostly vegetarian stuff, with occasional chicken.

Yet today I checked my BMI adjusted for age, and guess what? It was only 17.3. I guess I ONLY FEEL fat, as usual, but I'm not.

It is very true that no matter how we look to others, we will always see ourselves within our mind/imagination in a certain way. And I fear I'll always FEEL like a fat person, though others do not see me that way.

{Update tomorrow on mother's evaluation.}

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