My Novels

Friday, November 08, 2019

That time of year again

And so it begins as it has for almost fourteen years: the season of slow descent into remembrance and grief due to loss of my late husband. Yesterday as I sat watching the leaves fall, I wrote this poem:

BREATH

It's so still
You could hear
The breath of a whisper.

Not a leaf stirring
Before the storm;
No sound, no wind:
Fall, a hush of
Silence before the cries.

You left in winter
But that fall was promise
All hope & fulfilled prayers.

Now, every autumn the silence
Reminds me of your voice
Never to speak again;
   Quiet, the tears,
The years since you've gone.

----
And so it goes, year after year. Grief revisited, never forgotten.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Strange dream visitation

Looks like I only record dreams at the blog of late!

Rereading the previous disturbing dream about late husband, I realized that it was approximately a month after that when I noticed my dog, Rambo, showing signs of illness. With treatment for liver disease, he lived until a month ago, but still, it was devastating to lose him. I got him at the animal shelter three months after losing husband, and Rambo was my protector, my guard dog. He was fourteen years old. Miss him even now.

At any rate, last night I had a vivid dream about a late close friend, K.C. He and I corresponded for years; he'd had a detailed near-death experience, and I learned a lot about spirituality via him. In the dream last night, I received a letter from him, saying he was coming to visit. Then he met me at the library, where we sat and talked about his NDE, going over some of the more important aspects. I had a strong feeling that he was trying to either warn me of impending doom, or perhaps...my own death?

When he was preparing to leave, I put my hand on his arm and said, "Please don't go far."

"I won't," he stated, adding, "I'll be near if you need me."

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd actually been in his presence, though he died in 2000. Not exactly a comforting feeling, though I suppose his experiences of dying...were always comforting.

Who knows?

Just wanted to record this in my blog.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Strange dream about late husband

Last night I had a very peculiar experience. Not even sure it was a dream. More like a hallucination, or vision or...something.

I had been reading an ebook/novel and grew sleepy. Put my Kindle aside, and started to drift off to sleep...but first, I felt a gradual vibrating/electrified sensation throughout my entire body. I wanted to move, shake off the feeling...but was paralyzed. Then it was as if I was watching but with my eyes closed.

I saw one of J's late officer friends enter the bedroom, and he immediately looked around the room, went to an old-fashioned transistor radio, made sure it was off. Then he looked directly at me, and I recognized him instantly; he sat down on the bottom edge of my bed, I could feel the bed sink down under his weight; then he said, "I have something bad to tell you."

Wondering what could be worse than J dying, which had already happened over 12 years ago, he shook his head as if reading my thoughts. "No, it's worse than that. Something bad is coming."

I thought he was joking, and tried to smile, but again, I was paralyzed. Nor could I speak to him.

He just kept repeating that something bad was going to happen.

Apparently he didn't think I was taking him seriously, so he got up and left my bedroom. Then as I stared at the open door, J entered. I was astonished, but couldn't move or greet him in any way.

He too made sure the old radio was off, then sat down on the edge of my bed, but he also put his hand on my leg. I didn't flinch, nor make any move.

Looking me directly in the face, he said clearly, "Something bad is about to happen."

I could tell from the look on his face he was dead serious. Again, I tried to say that the worst had already happened when HE died. As if he too had read my mind, he said, "No, it's much worse."

Though he didn't say another word, I could feel his ominous warning settling over me, and was trying to ask what was going to happen. But he just kept shaking his head, looking down at the floor now, upset but trying to communicate that a bad thing was coming.

I finally was able to speak and I woke up! Crap! Not only was this startling, it was doubly so because I rarely, if ever, dream of J. And what dreams I do have are fleeting, and barely remembered.

But this one was so alarming and unsettling, I immediately wrote it down on a pad I keep by my bedside. Then I sent it to myself in an email, so I'd have a time-stamp for verification it had happened. Weird, I know. I even started to text my sister, though it was midnight now. Best I could tell, this took place for an entire HOUR. I had put the Kindle aside at 11:00, glancing at the clock. And it was midnight when I looked at the clock upon awakening.

Was this sleep paralysis? A real warning? What?

I thought I'd never sleep, but I did eventually. And I dreamed about working at the newspaper again. Going through the daily routine, the stress, the deadlines and the friendship of co-workers, etc. When I woke up this morning, I almost felt like getting up to go to work!

No idea why those events/dreams were so vivid.

Alas, just wanted to record this for my blog and as reference (which seems to be why I write at the blog lately!).

Wednesday, August 08, 2018

Update on hospital stay

This won't be much of a post -- more a reminder about medicare and my supplemental insurance. After three days in the hospital, and a slew of heart tests, I paid exactly 0 copay! I mean, I knew it was supposed to be that way, but have so often been disappointed by copay's, etc. that I was shocked to find this actually works correctly.

I will say the full charge was jaw-dropping, but the hospital and all techs/doctors accepted medicare payment, with my supplement (Plan F) picking up copay's. Incredibly though, the medicare and insurance payment were about 1/4 the charge. Still can't believe that! Because without insurance, a person would be billed the entire amounts -- and harassed if they didn't pay it. Suffice to say, very happy I have medicare and a good Plan F supplement.

This is the first time in my life, especially in the past twelve years since my husband passed away, that I am not worried about having medical bills that would literally bankrupt me, cause me to lose the roof over my head. "Medicare for all," would he worthwhile for this country, but I don't expect to see that in my lifetime.

Otherwise, life goes on here. No more medical problems. I started riding my bike in the neighborhood for 30-45 minutes every morning; or at least the mornings it is cool enough. August is sweltering hot, as usual.

The ceiling in the living room is being replaced; the damaged tile/underpinnings had to be removed and new sheet-rock hung. This morning the carport metal roof was replaced, just the flashing to be done tomorrow. Hopefully this will all be finished in a week, but I am so TIRED of repairs due to storms. This is the second time in eight years I've had major damage  (tornado/hail storm), and far past weary. I call it storm fatigue. Seriously thinking of moving to a condo, where I wouldn't have such upkeep trouble. Blah, blah, blah...need to stop whining!

That's a wrap for now.