Mother is still hanging in there, though all the doctors have pretty much said she won't live very long. First the doctors said her kidney was failing, then it started acting again; then her cardiologist said she had to have dialysis, or risk congestive heart failure. When mother was confronted with this, she first chose NOT to have the dialysis -- which pretty much convinced my two middle sisters she was terminal. But when a hospice nurse came in and explained the situation, mother said she'd have the dialysis if necessary! Huh? In the midst of all this, my two middle sisters are still at war, and still trying to pull me into their fight. I went to visit Tuesday, and we were civil; then I called yesterday, talked to mother (who sounded better). But late yesterday one sister calls and tells me she has to drive a long way here just to sit with mother a couple hours; the religious sister doesn't want to miss church, and put a guilt-trip on the other one to come and sit for those couple hours.
I just exploded, and called the sister at the hospital and told her that she and my other sister needed to work out whatever kind of problem they were having (which is, of course, that both feel resentful at having to help mother because of mother's neglect/abuse in the past), and leave me out of it. To be quite frank, I told them I might not even attend the funeral, and to just count me out of this whole situation.
I was sooooooooo stressed out, my body felt like it was vibrating. I had to resort to a Klonopin for anxiety/stress, and when it hit, the delicious calm was such a relief I didn't know how badly I'd been stressed/angry. I do not plan to make myself sick over this situation, and being around mother and the sister's fight will cause that to happen. Hence, I have retreated.
Last I heard, the doctors/hospice people were planning on moving mother to a nursing home -- probably by tomorrow. Haven't called today, nor heard from them, and it's been a more peaceful day.
Before you condemn me, you can't really know what we all went through in our childhood. Nor even how long I held out hope mother would change -- up until I was 40. And about forgiveness: it is fine to forgive someone who stops mistreating/using you. BUT IF you forgive them, and they just keep using you/mistreating you...then forgiveness is NOT working. It's like this: Say a father is abusing his child (physically/sexually) and this goes on for years, the mother doesn't stop it, or intervene, and then the child becomes an adult and the mother/father continue in this same path: abuse just changes form, in that NOW the parents become dependent on the adult child and always want their assistance. Perhaps a grand-dad starts abusing the adult child's son/daughter. How long do you put up with this crap? I mean, we wouldn't have a justice system if we truly thought that "forgiveness" and the christian concept of scales being balanced AFTER death, were really true. In simple terms: at some point you must stand up and say enough is enough; you are NOT a victim any longer, you are a SURVIVOR. And forgivness does NOT have to be part of that survival, when it enables the cycle of abuse to continue. That is the message of Dr. Susan Forward's book, TOXIC PARENTS.
I really do think I'm on the brink of finally getting back to my writing, since I've been taking lots of notes lately on this family saga for my memoir. It will probably be the final chapter, and there's much I have to write down so I won't forget it.
With that, I bid ado for tonight. Except for those of you who are writers (or aspire to be), let me leave you (yet again) with the wisdom of Erica Jong
1. Have faith--not cynicism
2. Dare to dream
3. Take your mind off publication
4. Write for joy
5. Get the reader to turn the page
6. Forget politics (let your real politics shine through)
7. Forget intellect
8. Forget ego
9. Be a beginner
10. Accept change
11. Don't think your mind needs altering
12. Don't expect approval for telling the truth -
(Parents, politicians, colleagues, friends, etc.)
13. Use everything
14. Remember that writing is Heroism
15. Let Sex (The Body, the physical world) in!
16. Forget critics
17. Tell your truth not the world's
18. Remember to be earth-bound
19. Remember to be wild!
20. Write for the child (in yourself and others)
There are no rules
Erica Jong
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