Sometimes your life had a turning point. In retrospect as you age, you realize where it all went wrong.
In my life, when I had the chance to escape, I didn't because I thought family was important. But that is not true: Your life is yours alone. You will never get that chance again and I suggest you take it.
Progress! "They Walk These Hills" finished! It is about 10,000 words, involving a vanlifer who wanders into a haunted campground. Had this idea a long time watching Youtubers. But now what? Do I publish via my Amazon platform, or submit to publishers of weird fiction? No decision yet.
In personal news: went to my GP for regular wellness yearly checkup. No word on blood work yet, but hoping it all turns out okay. Ya know, that cholesterol baseline of 150 is so they can get everyone on statins. I have refused those in the past, since my level is just barely over 200. It has been consistently at that level since I was 48, and I'm 71 now...so, yeah, not taking statins to destroy my liver (which then entails more meds). I wish I didn't have to take a few prescriptions, but at least only two are essential. And have been on those for 20 years.
I did mention assisted living to the GP and he shook his head, nixing that idea. I guess they consider that surrendering, giving up or something. My last GP (for 40 years) always said that he was very careful about making a judgment of "disability" because it was discouraging and caused the wrong attitude. Not sure about that.
At any rate, I used the bike machine for 4 1/2 miles this morning. I still have osteoarthritis problems, just have to be careful not to overdo. Not sure what I will do about the exterior/yard problems but may hire better lawn care that will handle the grass as well as shrub trimming, limb trimb, etc. A lot of lawn care people don't want to include that in their services. Sigh.
What else? Again, I find myself trying to discern the line between patience and impatience. Once I stop fretting about issues, like yard care, etc. I tend to fall into a pattern of ignoring it all. And when I'm writing, I really don't care about the exterior. I could be in a prison cell as long as I have pencil and paper. (Realized this eons ago as a writer.) Not sure if that is a good thing, or not. But let's call it my magic carpet ride...
That is it for now.
I think there is a thin line between patience and procrastination...and unfortunately, it's difficult for me sometimes to discern that.
I mean, occasionally I get too ambitious...thinking I MUST get something accomplished, when in fact, it is not urgent. For example, I have a garage that is partly stacked up with leftover material from home improvement projects. I can't do any of the cleanup myself; it would destroy my back. So why worry since there is still plenty of space in there, and no rush in getting it cleaned. This is a project that can wait till late spring or summer, since it will be warm and will include whoever I hire to take a load of stuff to the county dump.
Then there's my walk-in closet. I keep the clothes updated, discarding those that are no longer useful. But the higher shelves have stuff that need to go: an old printer, a box of electronics I no longer use; varius and sundry objects that just got shoved there due to being no longer needed. I cannot climb and lift overhead, or risk a fall from a utility ladder. That should be done prior to the garage, since some of it can be put out there. And it will need to be done by anyone I hire to do an organizing, cleaning of my overall house. Which I keep putting off, due to procrastination. I have never had my house cleaned by anyone, and pride myself on keeping a clean, tidy house. The idea of strangers going through stuff is not appealing, but the time has some due to my physical limitations. Sigh.
Just the act of writing this down has somewhat cleared my confusion, so I can determine what is first.
On the other hand, I can't abide a messy environment, and at some point, I am going to have to screen and settle on a regular inside cleaning person who can come at least once a month. That is a daunting task, and as a senior, I dread it. Not a monetary issue, more of a trust issue. I don't trust easily.
However, at present, I am working on a new writing project: writing fiction again! That is a big plus. I have been unable to sit at my desk for prolonged writing sessions, but discovered a wireless keyboard allows me to write on my large tablet with keyboard in lap while I sit comfortably on the sofa. I am about 5,000 words into a new ghost story, and don't want to quit until I have the rough draft down. That is the good news.
The bad news is that I have started having a hip issue, which I thought had improved. In fact, after the initial flareup back in December when I had to see an orthopedic doc for MRI and bone density scan and was told I have no fractures, but that my bones are fragile, that nothing can be done...I had improved. So much so that I got back on my exercise bike and was fine as long as I only did 3 or 4 miles every other day. Then I pushed it to 5 miles, and the flareup happened. Now I'm limping around with hip/buttock pain...not even sure the bike caused it. Actually the pain started when I simply moved my leg flat in BED! Argh. Trying to take it easy now, hobbling around like a cripple...which apparently I am now an arthritic cripple.
I have an appointment with my GP for regular checkup next Monday and going to discuss seeing a rheumatologist who might be able to help me manage my condition. However, from research, I'm not optimistic on any treatment. Biologics are too expensive, as well as having seriously bad side effects. Old age ain't for sissies, folks.
I'm sitting here looking out at my backyard, dreading a line of thunderstorms coming tonight and tomorrow. Possibly even tornados. I have been through a cat-5 tornado and a hail storm that caused lots of damage to my property a few years ago. It has left an indible mark on my mindset: why bother to do expensive maintanence when boom, it's all for naught when the next storms wipe it out. Tired of all this, and at times, just wish I could go to assisted living -- as long as I had privacy and space to write when I wish to. Indecision.
But these are decisions I alone can make, and I've rehashed it all ad infinitum with family. Lots of advice, but in the end, still up to me.
And that is where I am in my life right now. I did get my eyes checked, and stronger glasses. That helped. I still have to see my dentist sometimes soon too. Keep putting it off, since I am not having a pressing issue.
Life goes on until it doesn't. Maybe I should go with the flow and see what happens next, without planning. Plans rarely go well for me anyway. Or as I say: Things can always get worse, and usually do for me.
A bit of positivity: I did get my taxes done.
And that is it for now, though maybe I can make regular updates now that I found a way to write comfortably.
Not exactly the very first day of the year, but better late than never, I suppose.
Yes, I really need to practice patience. Especially in light of the fact that two orthopedic doctors have told me my bones are fragile, that I can get a fracture easy (though I've had several falls and no breaks); that I must not do certain things, such as heavy lifting, yard work, etc. At 71, not sure what I expected: but hey, I'm alive!
I had a bad year, lots of back deterioration and pain -- that apparently cannot be addressed. It's as if no one dares speak of pain relief anymore; it's just to be endured. Alrighty then.
I was referred to a rheumatologist who simply manages conditions like I have: herniated discs in back, bone spurs, spinal stenosis, osteoarthritis, etc. But not sure I'll see one, because some of the actual treatments (biologics, steroids, etc are worse than the condition). I will discuss it with my GP in about a month on my regular six month checkup for medication refills. Sigh.
I have felt that I should be preparing for assisted living, and I am to some extent. But not sure when, because I still have Muffin to care for; she is 11 now and has her own arthritis problems -- which she gets better care for than myself. I suppose the alternative is to keep hiring yard care (though with more tasks than previously such as trimming hedges, etc that I had been doing). And try to find house cleaning at least on a monthly basis. I can still do basic stuff, but others are getting too difficult for my back. And not just back, but knees, feet, etc. I can do it, but then suffer for weeks. Not worth it anymore.
I have slowly managed to get to the point I can use my exercise bike every other day for four miles. Had to stay off for a couple weeks, due to back strain/pain. It helps for a little while, as long as I don't overdo it.
Back to patience: when it comes to hiring help, I'm learning you just have to be patient. Something you would normally jump up and do yourself, you have to wait, wait, wait for hired help to arrive and take care of. I spent so much of my marriage waiting for hubby, who was in LE, and then dashing any normal expectations of timely arrival...have a difficult time now with waiting! Alas, I can see that this is going to be my life for the remainder of time here...and elsewhere. It is hard to slow down, be more deliberate and careful in daily activities. As the saying goes: Old age ain't for sissies.
What else: Muffin is doing quite well on glucosamine/chronditin and an occasional doggie aspirin. So that is good. And I won't have as much maintenance outside this spring, nothing like having the back porch rebuilt. Mainly the garage needs to cleaned out, and my walk-in closet also. I will hire someone to do that, because I cannot be climbing, dragging and carrying heavy items. Maybe when the city has spring cleanup, since we can put stuff on the curb for free pickup. (A nice perk of city living here.)
I really don't write much any more; have found no way to be comfortable for long sessions in front of a screen. Right now I'm using a laptop with tray over my lap. I can manage this position, but it is not sufficient for editing/publishing. I have three novels finished, but other than a few edits, just can't do the work of publishing. May never again. And that is okay...I miss it, yes, but then again, I'm not as sharp as I used to be. Sometimes you need to know when to quit; I see far too many seniors doing things they aren't able to master any longer. That is sad. I believe in knowing your limitations, and that is one of the greatest lessons you learn as you age. Keep pushing it and you will pay -- one way or the other!
With that said, everyone ages at a their own pace. What is good for me might not be good for you. But self-knowledge in older years is important, probably the most important and crucial. For one who never let any grass grow under me, always taking care of tasks, writing, whatever...it is not easy to take it easy. On the other hand, doing things that end up causing me painful misery (sometimes even a couple days in bed) have to be curtailed.
Back to New Year's resolutions: Patience, deliberate diligence about when and what I do; slow down, there's nothing on fire. And if something doesn't get done right NOW, there is always later. Sigh.
Maybe I'll write a progress report in a month or so, see if I am able to abide by these new rules?
Over & out for now.
Why? The million dollar question. I'm still alive, and a lot has been happening. What isn't happening? Not much writing, and I sure do miss it. Almost like relearning how to write/type!
I was in a blue funk for much of last year, starting with having Covid the previous February. It was a mild case, and I thought my stuffy sinuses was allergy. Then sinus infection. However, after a couple weeks, I lost taste/smell. Got some antibiotics, and that cleared it up. Tested a few months later for antibodies, had none and got the two shot pfizer vaccine. That vaccine was almost a year ago now, and with BA.5 going around, will probably catch it again at some point. (One sister/brother-in-law had it recently, first time, and sick but better now.)
What else? I was in the dumps because I had so many projects around this house I had put off, and went through a period of indecision. Had a good offer on selling my house, but eventually, decided to just get the work done. Had the old back porch demolished, rebuilt; new garage doors, foundation painted, and the stone patio taken up, privacy fence repaired. It was, of course, an ordeal but a relief to get that over with! Covid lockdown had put everything on delay, and I hate being undecided. For now, with the final pressure washing of siding, the house is in good condition.
I have plenty of ideas for stories, but beyond making notes from research, haven't started anything new in a long, long time. This blog post is the first writing I've done...in ages! Slacker, I know.
Partly my indecision stemmed from wondering if I should just go ahead and enter assisted living. I did put my name on a list for two local establishments, but have not received any notices of vacancies. And starting to think I never will. In the meantime, I have the space to decide if that is what I want now. I'm not disabled, just have arthritis (back/knee/feet) issues. Plus it is always a good idea to know what places are costing and waiting lists. I visited two, and one is more affordable, as well as suitable -- if necessary.
But I still have Muffin, and though she is ten now, according to her recent vet visit, is in fairly good health. She is scheduled to get her teeth cleaned on August 8, and I probably need to adjust her diet to prevent more weight gain, as well as keep her healthy. My other dogs, Rambo & Oscar, lived to be 13/14, so she should be with me a few more years at least. And she is such a temperamental little dog, had many problems from before I got her, that it might be difficult to find her a home if my sister couldn't/wouldn't take her. That would not be fair to her either; a pet is a lifetime commitment. Sigh.
An old saying: "The more things change, the more they stay the same." In other words, different year, same problems. That goes for politics, health, climate change, all the usual ups and downs of life. We are currently in a dry, very hot period; need rain! Of course, this would be the summer I'm trying to get grass growing where patio stones were removed. Occasional watering is best I can do, but hopefully the grass will be established before Fall.
Family is all well, even the ones who have had Covid and recovered. And that is good news.
My health...last checkup I was fine. Except the usual arthritis problems. I still use the stationary bike every other day, which helps with sleep...though I never sleep especially well. Never have. Sigh.
So that is the latest from here. I need to do more writing, but can't get motivated! At 70, maybe I'm retired! Do writers ever retire, or just go through spells of writer's block?
For now, signing off.
Many, many moons ago, in the early 1970s, I was recently married and hoping for a bright future. My husband had just received a trade school diesel mechanic certification, and I was employed in a clerical office position, but we were seeking better opportunities. We were open to adventure, travel and...well, like a lot of young people, looking for opportunities.
One day I read an ad in a Birmingham newspaper seeking those with trade skills for overseas job opportunities. It sounded promising, though when I told my husband, we were a bit hesitant since we both liked our local community. He had traveled while in the army for two years, but I had never been anywhere outside Alabama. This ad intrigued me, so I called the number, and set up an appointment in Birmingham.
When we arrived at the location, we were both impressed -- a well-known highrise in Birmingham. Marveling at the prestigious building, riding the elevator to the tenth floor, we were greeted on our entry to a plush office waiting room. Our names were taken, my husband’s trade school certification accepted, and told by a classy-looking receptionist, “You sound like just what we’re looking for!”
We waited anxiously with others who resembled us; we were all excited, especially by the ad that stated we could make a high income. Being ushered into the private office, the expansive view of Birmingham out the wide windows, a sharp-dressed man behind a massive oak desk, we were in awe of the weighty official CEO title. We were not naive exactly, just eager for opportunity, I think.
What ensued was an hour of extravagant promises and praise for my husband’s qualifications, and assurance we had come to the right place for opportunity. We could travel overseas with his job and make enough in several years to set us up for life -- or at least buy a home back in our local community. It was dizzying, intoxicating and we fell for it -- hook, line and sinker.
You see, there was just one catch: we had to pay a fee for the office to write a resume and shop it around to these overseas companies. We were told they only solicited via legitimate outfits like the one we were now employing. By then, there was a niggling little doubt, a tiny voice in the back of my mind, warning me this was...unusual. Nevertheless, we signed up and handed over the meager savings we had at that time.
By now, you’ve obviously guessed this was a scam. We were worried on the way home, but tried to stay optimistic, since we had money invested. As the resume fakery rolled into our mailbox, but no job offers followed, we were crushed.
Here’s the thing: we were too humiliated to tell anyone what had happened. Some family knew we had visited the place, but we never told them how we’d been scammed. It’s embarrassing and hard to admit you’ve fallen for a scam. But we learned a good lesson: be careful and never, ever fall for the hard sell lie.
Now imagine you have fallen for a scam that got you to Washington D.C. and you find yourself in the midst of an insurrection that was incited by the President and state representatives. Do you storm the capital and end up in prison? Or do you stop in the midst of the insanity and realize you’ve fallen for a scam, a lie? Not so easy.
Many of those who fell for the hard sell lie will do prison time for the mayhem and murder that resulted, and that is justified. However, if you ever find yourself questioning conspiracy theories, wild stories (especially online) that gives you a little niggling feeling that something seems not quite right: Heed that cautionary warning.
What can I say about 2020? Like most people I'll just say, "Don't let the door hit you in the @ss on the way out! BYE!
Let's see...my life. I'm sitting here as the place seems to be falling down around me, maintenance I've put off due to the pandemic. This morning a rattan shade on my back porch was wind-whipped till it fell apart. NOT climbing a ladder to take it down, managed to just tie up ends. Add it to the growing list of stuff to be done. And still not sure I want to bother with all this...the tedious jobs of home upkeep.
Good news though: I completed a novel, "Wilding Castle." It had been in my mind for some time, and concerns Covid in present time, but also a love story, sadness too, but with a happy ending. I didn't even outline or build characters first; just started writing and it took over! I am not sure how I will market it, but leaning toward the new app publishing platforms. I like KDP, but authors have to do a lot of marketing, and I rather focus on writing instead of the PR work. But at least I accomplished something this past year!
I want to hope 2021 will be better, brighter. And I do. On the other hand, when you are in a dark place (even in fiction) it takes time to work your way toward the light. Give it time. And unless something falls in on my head, I'll probably keep putting off maintenance until I feel it is safer to get this stuff done.
However, I am still assessing whether I want to remain here -- or buy a condo, rent or...perhaps assisted living. It would be nice to live in comfort, others doing the daily chores while I could write, and not be bothered with all the physically demanding tasks that are getting more and more difficult.
Alas, time will tell. Or fate. Or the simulation programming (which I'm considering for my next novel idea).
Cheers!
Sometimes I sit here in the afternoons, and a slant of the sunlight, an old song streaming...it's as if the past is the present. I've lived in this house forty years, and not a lot has changed -- some updates, etc. but still basically the same. The yard and surroundings haven't changed much either, so it's easy to slip back in time and imagine it is just another day in the 80s or 90s when I was writing fiction, thinking of what to have for dinner when my late husband would be coming home. Autumn/winter are always my sad times, the loss of him especially keen since he died in late February. Next year it will be fifteen years, yet at times, it's as if it never happened. Or perhaps this is an aging flashback, as the years accumulate.
I have peace, if nothing else. For so many years life was hectic (especially my time at the newspaper) or with extended family ups and downs and I'd wish fervently for PEACE! And though I know some people (extroverts) would find my life b-o-r-i-n-g!, I have the time and means to pursue knowledge -- the internet can be an amazing resource IF you know how to use it for knowledge. At some point, I'm sure I'll start another story; I have a good idea, and doing some research. A Gothic ghost story, methinks.
As for the future, thank the stars, and the GOOD people, of our country we smacked that wanna-be dictator down hard. Oh, Trump won't go quietly -- but go he will, even if kicking and screaming. My deepest wish is that he goes to some dark corner of the internet, and those nutty cult followers crawl back under that big, big rock they came out of. Life can then get back to some semblance of normal. Biden can tackle the still-raging Covid pandemic, with hopefully a vaccine soon, and economic recovery -- but not at the expense of human lives!
I am still somewhat isolating, though I do go buy groceries/necessities, with masking/distancing/etc. And I have no plans with family for the upcoming holidays, though in recent years I only got together with my two sisters to dine out. Otherwise, I think I've adjusted to less association with people; of course, I've always been somewhat of a loner, and now more so than ever. I do miss library outings, and occasional shopping without feeling as if it's a danger akin to the chance of being murdered! Sigh.
What else? I'll be 69 in early December! My main concern these days is figuring out how I want to live as I age. I'm still capable of taking care of my house, hiring maintenance (though that is getting more and more expensive), and in general living here. However, I am torn between selling this house and maybe renting a small apartment, or buying a condo. And then, if I live long enough, assisted living is definitely on my radar. I've had a stay in rehab at one point, and it was a senior facility; it was NICE having others take care of me. The past fourteen years have been tiresome due to the responsibility of ALWAYS making every decision myself, etc. Yes, I'm fiercely independent, but on the other hand, when frailty comes (as it does for all the elderly if they live long enough), I have no qualms about assisted living. In fact, I keep tabs on all the local ASL facilities, just in case I need to go or want to choose before it becomes a dire need.
Gosh, so boring. Things old folks ponder. But hey, if YOU live long enough, you'll get here too!
Muffin is doing fine, though she needs to lose weight. I continue to feed stray cats in the neighborhood.
I also hit 1,000 miles on my air-bike a week or so ago. I had set that goal for this year, but reached it ahead of time! I usually ride at least 5 miles every morning, except on the days I have errands in town. The Marcy bike has arm resistance too, which helps me stay in shape and keep my muscles capable of lifting stuff. My weight is in the range of 107-109...and at 5'2", it's never varied much (except for the extreme diets of the past when I got down in the 90s!) I try to eat healthy, mostly vegetarian and whole grains, etc. I've come to really love almond milk too. Of course, I have arthritis; it runs in my paternal family. And the bunion still needs to be fixed, but I just keep putting it off (NOT a good time right now for elective surgery!)
Alas, that is about all the news from my life now.
Perhaps that's an optimistic title, but it is finally becoming a bit cooler here in the South. Not yet comfortable, but a general trend in that direction. Now if only the grass would stop growing. Alas, not yet!
Life has been dubbed, "the new normal" now...with a statewide mask mandate in our region, which has helped lower the numbers of Covid. Kudos to our state governor, a lady that had the best interest of the public, despite being a republican! I read an article that stated that women leaders had handled the pandemic better, and I would guess that is because we value LIFE over DOLLARS. Not all, mind you, but the majority. Also, it takes an iron will not to bow to political pressure, especially when the bully-in-chief of America randomly targets those who prefer to be safe rather than rich. Let's face it folks: If you are dead, you won't have to worry about your financial situation. On the other hand, if you take reasonable precautions (masking, sanitizing) and live to fight another day, you can THEN take care of financial aspects.
At any rate, Covid is still out there -- everywhere. Lurking, just waiting to pounce on crowds, those stuffed in close quarters, unmasked, striking again and again. There is so much distrust of the current occupant at the White House, due to his outrageous lies, constant fabrications and fantasy scenarios that it is unlikely very many will get vaccinated IF a vaccine is available soon. Personally, I would NOT, especially if it comes out before the election. Far too convenient for him, and unless this can be overcome, I don't see a majority volunteering for it. In fact, in forums I often see even his devoted followers stating they won't get the vaccine; after all, deep down, they know what a fraudster he is!
My life rolls along, not that different than it has been -- with the exception that I haven't had visits with my sister from a nearby large city in ages. It still seems risky, since her husband has some lung issues and could be at higher risk. I do my weekly grocery shopping, any errands (though few) and continue onward.
I do have some outdoor work that needs to be done: my back porch needs some carpentry work, and my privacy fence needs some repair. I just keep putting it off, hoping the Covid situation continues to improve. My fence is the immediate problem, as it is leaning -- but I have it well-braced right now. With Fall coming, the leaves will soon be flying and I'll be trying to stay ahead of the avalanche, even though I have yard care.
I've been reading a lot, just finished Michelle Obama's book. Truly enlightening and she can write! So sad to see so much she and Obama tried to accomplish tossed on the ash-heap of everything Trump has destroyed. If he's there for 4 more years, the government will be dismantled -- though few seem to realize what is at stake! Anyway, I am catching up on a lot of bestselling fiction, since I am able to check out ebooks from the library.
As for writing, I don't seem to have anything to say. That is the reason no updates at this blog. I do have story ideas, but can't seem to get motivated to write. For several years now, I lack the motivation; it seems a waste of time, and who knows how long any of us have, especially during a pandemic? More and more, I just coast...waiting to see what happens next...
And that is it for today.
