What have I been doing lately? ENJOYING my solitude! Returning to my basic nature of being a loner, and savoring my blissful time for reading, reading, reading! Hence, I started a new blog today for prose passages I'll post as I am reading novels/books.
Here's the URL:
Yes, after some time regaining MYSELF, MY SOUL, I have reclaimed my identity as a solitary individual. I really HATED working at the newspaper in regards to the amount of daily socializing, not to mention the frequent, non-stop social functions I was supposed to attend. The money/pay is why I did it, as well as simply using my talent for writing. But oh, it was so difficult -- so against my innate nature!
We are having a beautiful spring day, mild temps and sunny. I took the dogs on a long walk earlier, and enjoyed the fresh breeze, seeing people content and working in their yards or flower gardens. It's nice to live at this slower pace, take my time to "smell the roses" and NOT have to live up to others' expectations and/or with the sense of dread I had while working. Life is too short (especially at MY age) to FORCE that kind of existence -- and that is what it is, EXISTING, not living the kind of life I like.
I accepted my nature long ago, back in my early 40s. Fighting it was too hard, too disturbing, too painful. And believe me, I DID try. Living alone was difficult at first, after DH died, but I've grown accustomed to it. In fact, I will venture to guess that MANY widows who do not start dating within two years, or marry within three or four, will never do so. You gradually grow to appreciate the privacy, the pace, the sense of doing things on your own terms -- when and how you wish.
I will admit too there was sometimes a grudging resentment within me for the tasks of being a wife: cooking, cleaning, etc. Perhaps it is the same with the husbands: yard mowing, taking care of the other such chores? The companionship is nice, but if two aren't compatible, that can become a burden over time.
I have dated a few times since I've been a widow. The first few times were about a year after I was widowed. The men were actually nice guys, but left me feeling guilty and wanting to never see them again. And that was just for a brief meeting for coffee. Then this past winter I dated a nice man for about a month, but when he began to pursue "more than just friendship" -- I backed off. The first hint of my own reluctance came when I invited him for a meal here; I began to resent the cooking aspect, and knew where that led. No thanks.
Unfortunately, I find that most men are seeking a romantic relationship, not just a platonic friendship for companionship and outings.
I have my family, and do things occasionally with one of my sisters/brother-in-law.
As times passes, I find that I just don't miss sharing my life with others, not even on this blog. I don't know if that is a sign of maturity, aging, or simply that I have allowed my REAL nature to rule now.
I am not unhappy, mostly just content. Most Americans, I fear, would call this lazy, unambitious, whatever -- but past a certain age, I call endless striving/attaining/frustration just plain stupid and ridiculous.
P.S. Or maybe I'm just burnt out from all the writing I did at the newspaper, and it has taken some time to regenerate and get back to writing what I want to: prose/fiction/poetry (even a journal entry now and then)!?