I have had a bad habit lately of waking early, lying in bed and worrying. About. Everything. Under. The. Sun.
I worry about continuing my health insurance, getting sick, whether I should look for a full-time job, whether my renter will pay next month's rent, whether the stock market will fall further, blah, blah, blah.
About the ONLY thing I don't worry about is an asterioid hitting the earth or scientists creating a black hole when the new particle accelerator goes online this summer. (Not that the thought hasn't occurred to me though in my rambling, worrying early morning musings!)
This morning I was lying there and finally told myself, "Shut up, just SHUT UP!" I realized I'm worrying my life away and for what? Nothing. Nada. Zip. All my worrying won't change a single thing, no matter how much I torture myself with such thoughts.
I've always been a "worrier" (i.e. shrinkspeak: neurotic), but since DH died, it's gotten worse. At least I could talk to him, worry out loud, and he'd usually tell me how pointless the worrying was. True to life, his death was unexpected, not what I'd EVER worried about in how it happened. Though I spent ceaseless hours engaged in worry about what could happen to him -- accidents, LE death, etc.
After I got out of bed this morning, I just decided I will NOT punish myself with worry anymore. When it starts, I'll just begin a fantasy, or start a storyline, or SOMETHING. Maybe even pick up my current bedside novel, start reading it to occupy my overactive mind!
Lately, there's been a few issues that have contributed to my worry: I found what I thought was an excellent job opportunity as an in-house editor for marketing supplements/alternative health products. The salary was more than I was earning at the newspaper, and there were good benefits. I was asked to write a spec article, the owner liked it, and I was sure I would get the job. However, there was ONE hitch: the company was located 30 miles south of where I live. The drive was over twisted, narrow curvy highways, very dangerous -- and the hours from 8 to 5 would have me on the road during bad traffic times, not to mention the price of gas and damage to my car on pot-hole riddled roads.
Additionally, after I researched the products, I realized this company was making A LOT OF MONEY at perhaps the expense of selling questionable, unproven products promising everything from increasing sex drive to curing heart ailments. Ethically, it might have proven impossible for me -- talk about selling your soul to the devil! (Not that they are doing anything much worse than what the legit pharmaceutical companies are doing by ads in the media that later prove to be exaggerated and/or downright false.)
At any rate, I turned down the interview and decided that was not the position I want. I'm not even sure I want to work a 40-hour week again, maybe just part-time. The money was the main incentive, as it so often is when employment is concerned. Not that I desperately need it, but I've been in such a habit of saving, saving, saving for YEARS, that I can't just live on the pension income and not worry about saving.
Today though, it occurred to me that I have NO REASON to save. Let's face it, if I burn through every cent I have, the pension will still be there -- and to top it all off, the LESS material wealth I have, the better my chances for gov. medical assistance. Am I the ONLY person in the USA who has ever realized the futility of working in such a situation??
So here is my decision: I'm not looking for work. IF a job presents itself that I can't resist, I'll work for awhile. But savings is NOT going to be a goal in the future. Just getting by with what I have each day is the new goal: To enjoy my pets, walk my dogs, read books, surf the net, watch a good movie...live a simple, uncomplicated life. (IF only I can!)
I decided on the root canal, had that done last week and it's nice to have that awful toothache remedied. I found a dentist in town that would do the root canal, and he did a good, quick job on it too.
Maybe I should add that a goal is to remain as pain-free as possible as I age -- but I fear that is totally impossible!
Ah, so it goes...and goes...and goes, till it's gone.