Bad Times

Here's a quote that aptly describes what I've been going through this past year, the intensity having increased greatly during the last week, due to this being the last couple weeks of DH's life:

We're taught to think you can move on quickly, and in a year you'll be better. Many people don't know that you need to adjust to being a new person. I've learned that grief is work, the hardest kind of work there is. There is no guide; everybody has to figure it out for herself. I wish I'd been told that grief is a fluid, endless experience from which you never completely recover.

I feel terribly lost, as if I can't understand who I am any longer. It started after the frenetic paperwork of death, the sale of the farm, the move to town -- where I thought sanity would return. That I could out-run grief, or out-smart it, or maybe avoid it by finding a companion. I did learn that every time I went on a date, it only brought back all the old wounds and fear of loss again. It would take me weeks to recover enough to not feel as if suicide was the best option. I gave up the dating, though I did meet some nice guys who are still platonic friends online.

This week I've not been sleeping well, and feel like I've been run over by a train today. When I don't sleep enough, my whole body aches, especially my knees/bones/joints. I can get an idea of what aging is going to be like: endless aches and pains, with no real relief. Do I even want to go there?

If it were not for my pets, I don't think I'd choose to live. These two pups are truly my best friends; they look at me with such love and devotion, the idea of leaving them would seem a betrayal. And of course, losing Kitten only magnified my sorrow; I worry I'll lose my older cats soon, since they are all barely getting by as it is. I will probably not have any more cats after these go, because I do have an allergy to them, and don't want to take on more responsibility. The pups will, hopefully, be around a long time -- but even IF I were gone, they'd get good homes. Especially after the kind of monetary gift I'm leaving to the local animal shelter.

I'm just depressed, having a hard time, and I know it's going to get worse as the sad-anniversary approaches next week. February 21st, I lost the only person (outside of family) I'd ever had a truly long-lasting, successful relationship with. I fear there will never be another such friendship/relationship in my life, since I'm basically a dysfunctional individual and have always had trouble maintaining involvement with people.

Yesterday we got an update from mother's doctor: her one good kidney is only functioning at 10% -- she is dying. The doctor wanted to call in hospice, especially because mother is going to be released from the nursing home in a couple weeks. She'll return to my sister's house, and I just hope we don't have a re-run of her last stay there. At any rate, it seems only a matter of (short) time till she is gone too. I bought her two new outfits for Valentine's Day, and also took some framed photos for her room. She is fading away, getting more and more disoriented, mentally. Sad, sad days ahead...

If only I could start writing again (other than sporadic entries in this journal)! If I seem to disappear, without entries here for a couple weeks, it only means I'm just not emotionally capable of writing about the unspeakable grief/loss still going on in my life.