What did I do?
Let's start with last night: I dug out one of the very few old videos I have of DH and myself, watched it as a test of my progress in grieving.
I shed a few tears, I laughed, and I thoroughly ENJOYED seeing DH again, hearing his voice, seeing his sometimes silly moods, humor and his generosity toward me. I MISS him, and I ALWAYS will, that I understand. But I had not been able to look at this video before, simply because I was afraid of the overwhelming sadness and loss. I felt that too, but somehow, I'm now at a stage where I want to have my memory refreshed.
After a certain time (years) you begin to feel that your loved one never lived, that you imagined them, so seeing and hearing them on tape or DVD is a wonderful reminder that your memories of them are indeed real memories, not just something you imagined. Videos, camcorders, digital cameras allow us to capture those precious memories and preserve them, a wonderful thing our generation discovered.
I want to get this video transferred to DVD, maybe edit it and create a keepsake for myself and my family. A gift I'll leave them when I die.
I think I'm doing well emotionally, progressing through the stages of grief at my OWN pace. It takes time, and those who say it doesn't...they must be fooling themselves.
What have I learned emotionally this past year? I've experimented with dating, and actually went out a month or so with two men who were extremely nice individuals. I enjoyed their company for several dates, but then as they began to show signs of becoming "serious" or wanting a physical relationship, I pulled away. I've learned that I am NOT ready for that, and I don't think I ever will be. I'll continue to test myself occasionally, but I have to also confess I'm NOT unhappy alone. Not at all.
In many ways, I always yearned to be alone, even though I was married to a wonderful man. I am somewhat of a loner, especially in regards to my work/writing time, and though it's been an adjustment to live totally alone, I can honestly say that I would have no regrets if I remain single/alone the remainder of my life.
I may return to full or part-time employment, if I can find a job. Or I may just continue to write freelance for the newspaper, since I now have six writing assignments from the editor. I'm not sure, I'll just wait and see.
I have researched medical insurance till I'm sick to death of it! And it's all led me to believe if something isn't done soon by the new administration, that alone will ruin what's left of the shattered economy (which I won't discuss, since it's fairly obvious my posts many moons ago about the looming disaster have come true in spades)!
All the research resulted in my learning of the state health insurance fund here, and I will apply for that when the Cobra runs out. It is a bit less than I'm paying now, no pre-existing clause, has exorbitant co-pays/deductibles, but what can you do? IF I can't qualify for that, can't find employment with that benefit, then you guessed it -- I'll be uninsured, like millions of others.
Resolutions for the new year? None...except try to stop worrying, fretting about matters over which I have no control, and do something about the ones I can control.
Hopes, dreams for the new year? Oh yes, I hope that I continue to be financially stable, stay in good health, get my exercise, remain a vegetarian, keep my dogs and cats healthy and happy...and have time to dream and read and write creatively.
Simple hopes and dreams, but things many people take for granted.
Today was beautiful, so I took the dogs to a lakeside park, walked a long way, then stopped at another small park on the way home, walked them there. The wind was brisk at times, but it was an enjoyable outing. Great way to spend the first day of 2009.
And now, a cute YouTube cat video for the New Year: