In order to keep my New Year's resolution, I'm going to start writing short essays for entries at this online journal, using writing prompts from various sources. I think it will be interesting, and not only help me know myself, but also perhaps give those who are younger than myself a better perspective on aging.
Today's prompt: If you had to remember the moment in your life when you felt the most alone, when would it be?
I chose this question because it was immediately easy to answer, to know exactly the time in my life I felt (and was) most alone.
DH [dear husband] had started a new career; we were both in our late 20s. We'd almost always been together, had never even spent a night apart in our ten year marriage. [We have no children by choice, and this makes us even closer emotionally.) Then suddenly, he was gone nearly all the time, engaged in his new time-consuming career. He often didn't get in until past 8:00 PM, and was away on Saturdays, sometimes Sunday too.
We lived in a rural area of the South, and I was not satisfied there. I didn't like the southern rural people, and had learned over time that gossip and innuendo spread like wildfire. Whatever one did in public (or private) was instantly known, gossiped about and turned into wild tales, becoming more and more fabricated with each telling. I'd become isolated, no likeminded person with whom to talk, (no internet back then, of course) and fell into a depression. I had worked at various part-time jobs since we'd married, mostly clerical office work which I loathed; but I was not employed at that time. I had always wanted to write creatively, but had no confidence in my talent. I had family nearby, and did see them frequently, but I still felt totally alone.
I'll never forget one late afternoon, around the time most families sit down to dinner, when I went outside for a walk along a country road. A beautiful sunset shimmered on the horizon, but it only seemed to make me feel more lonesome. I could see families sitting at dinner tables, glimpsed through windows...and felt like an alien among them. I actually ached, I was so forlorn and miserably lonely. It was one of those agonizing moments that seems to magnify all that you feel, and I wanted so badly to change my life, somehow make it different. And I knew, in one way or another, whatever it took, I would bring about that change.
And I did. Eventually we sold our house there, moved into a city; I worked at a newspaper; I volunteered at the library. But most importantly, I began to write fiction in all my free time. I had friends then too, but the writing is what truly changed my life -- and my perspective. And I must give credit to many of the postal pen friends I had during that period; they were always encouraging me about my writing talent. I took a creative writing course, and then a journalism course -- which led to my position at the newspaper. However, in time I quit that job and concentrated on my creative writing.
In retrospect, I have to admit that the poignancy of the loneliness I felt during that period was life-changing, so it served a purpose. As I've aged though, I've learned NOT to depend on any other human being to prevent loneliness. I have learned I am my own best friend, my own best companion, and I could live alone now and not be unhappy. Yes, I am still married and I do enjoy the companionship with my DH. But I also know that to depend upon any other person to keep loneliness at bay is a mistake. And the truth of this one apt quote: "We are born alone, we live alone and we die alone."
There are worse things than being alone. If you look around at some of the miserable people in destructive relationships, you'll understand the wisdom of that statement.
My Novels
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
Saturday, December 28, 2002
Yippeee!! The AWFUL Christmas day is over for another year. And I can breathe a sigh of relief.
I took my candles out of the windows, took the wreath off the door today; nothing more depressing than seeing xmas decorations AFTER it's over. [As an aside, one of my pet peeves is those people who leave up xmas lights all year on the outside of their houses, so TACKY!] At any rate, I survived it all once again, and without gaining weight, or trying to kill myself. I do admit I had wee mixed drink or two, just to mellow me out and take some of the depression away -- which it did. I don't drink much, but an occasional drink does seem to help me relax.
Ah, so now we come to the New Year...and all those useless resolutions (usually about losing weight). Since I've already lost weight in the past six months (staying at 93 lbs now), that can't be a goal. But I CAN make a resolution NOT to gain any of the weight back, plus maybe get down to 90 lbs. I really don't think I should go any lower, because then I WOULD be anorexic. As for other resolutions: I will say only that I hope I can do more creative writing this coming year. Since I've made that my resolution the past two years, and not kept it...I won't say it's a resolution, just something I wish I could do.
I actually look forward to New Year's Day. DH and I used to spend every New Year's Eve with my sister and brother-in-law but stopped some years ago, because they now live 50 miles to the north, and there's usually so many drunks on the road after midnight it's become unsafe to make the drive. But I like New Year's Day: it represents a new beginning, a way to start over, a time to look to the future. Christmas is more about looking back, bad memories, etc for me. But New Year's...it's a fresh start every year.
I've been busy with several projects, so haven't been updating as regularly at this journal. Hope to be more regular this next year, so that's ONE resolution. And I think it's the only one I'll make.
Now we'll see if I keep it! Happy New Year!
I took my candles out of the windows, took the wreath off the door today; nothing more depressing than seeing xmas decorations AFTER it's over. [As an aside, one of my pet peeves is those people who leave up xmas lights all year on the outside of their houses, so TACKY!] At any rate, I survived it all once again, and without gaining weight, or trying to kill myself. I do admit I had wee mixed drink or two, just to mellow me out and take some of the depression away -- which it did. I don't drink much, but an occasional drink does seem to help me relax.
Ah, so now we come to the New Year...and all those useless resolutions (usually about losing weight). Since I've already lost weight in the past six months (staying at 93 lbs now), that can't be a goal. But I CAN make a resolution NOT to gain any of the weight back, plus maybe get down to 90 lbs. I really don't think I should go any lower, because then I WOULD be anorexic. As for other resolutions: I will say only that I hope I can do more creative writing this coming year. Since I've made that my resolution the past two years, and not kept it...I won't say it's a resolution, just something I wish I could do.
I actually look forward to New Year's Day. DH and I used to spend every New Year's Eve with my sister and brother-in-law but stopped some years ago, because they now live 50 miles to the north, and there's usually so many drunks on the road after midnight it's become unsafe to make the drive. But I like New Year's Day: it represents a new beginning, a way to start over, a time to look to the future. Christmas is more about looking back, bad memories, etc for me. But New Year's...it's a fresh start every year.
I've been busy with several projects, so haven't been updating as regularly at this journal. Hope to be more regular this next year, so that's ONE resolution. And I think it's the only one I'll make.
Now we'll see if I keep it! Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Ho, ho, ho!
Or should I say, 'Bah Humbug?'
In my case, it's always 'Bah Humbug!' I loathe the Christmas season, and this hatred only seems to grow stronger as I age. Initially, my depression was always triggered by the false sense of family togetherness, and my own horribly miserable childhood Christmases. My father always lay drunk the whole time, and mother made us all 'pretend' that nothing was wrong. We even had to attend paternal family gatherings, where my father was noticably absent, and act as if everything was just fine. There is nothing so warped as growing up with an alcoholic in the family. Indeed, the most apt phrase I've ever heard is: "It's like having an elephant sitting in the living room, but everyone pretends they don't see it."
As I've gotten older though, I also have realized there's a lot of hypocrisy in this supposedly loving, giving season: Why remember the homeless ONLY at Christmas? Why remember abused, neglected kids ONLY at Christmas? Why be charitable ONLY at Christmas? Why act as if your family is a happy one, when everyone knows otherwise? There may be some fanatical religious types who find some sort of brainwashed religious 'meaning' in Christmas, but more often than not, I simply see all the hyprocisy and commercialism. And I won't even get started on the commercialism aspect!
DH and I decided not to get the large-screen TV after all. Doing some research, I realized the projection TV we were thinking of buying didn't have digital capabilities. Within a couple of years, it would have been rendered useless when digital signals begin to be broadcast (between 2004-2008), so we opted for a few other items. Bought an over-the-stove microwave; a new entertainment center; a smaller dinette set; and a DVD player (which I'm not much impressed with, since we had to get and use an adapter for our TV and DVD movies only show in the middle of the screen!).
DH was off last week, and we did a lot of work/rearranging of stuff in the house. I finally got rid of my floor-to-ceiling bookcase, and cleaned out a bunch of useless, unnecessary books; I took four boxes of books to the library, donated those. Most of it was fiction, and some out-of-date writer and/or research books; I do all research on the net now, and those books were not necessary. I still have quite a collection of books, and bought a smaller bookcase for those. Some I couldn't part with -- personally autographed books; old, valuable books; a few select, important writing books; and some fiction that I regard as THE best and that has guided my own creative writing. At any rate, I now have my study in the spare bedroom, and managed to get the computer desk, file cabinet and bookcase in here, along with the double bed and chesterdrawers. It looks much better, and now the formal living room is back to being just that: a living room. I put most of our antiques in there: an ancient peddle-type sewing machine and trunk my grandmother gave me; a huge wardrobe; the dresser bottom, which makes a nice desk; a couple of rockers and a recliner; and the huge steamer trunk my sisters gave me years ago. The living room is uncluttered, and looks spacious, neat...so if we decide to list the house with a real estate agent, it is much improved.
We also cleaned out our large walk-in closet, and painted it, put down new floor tile. That was a huge chore, but it looks much nicer now. At least we had a productive week.
Yesterday I rented ten movies from a local supermarket that rents movies two for a dollar. I got these for two nights though, and they aren't due back till after Christmas. I saw "From Hell" last night, and while Johnny Dep's performance was lackluster (to say the least) it was a good atmospheric movie, and an interesting theory about 'Jack the Ripper.' We'll watch all the movies tonight and tomorrow.
I rode my bike this morning, even though it was raining earlier. But the rain stopped, so I had no excuse not to go. I'm staying at 93 lbs, even though I ate a nice sweet treat last night. I hope I won't do too much damage to my diet tomorrow, but I AM intending on eating whatever I want...for once! That should give me something to be a little cheerful about on such an otherwise depressing day. DH will go to his mom's house alone; I never go...since I have NO relationship with that bunch of redneck deer-hunters. But he feels obligated to put in an appearance, although that's just about the only time he sees them. However, he'll be home by noon or so, and we can watch the movies.
I stayed up till 2 AM watching that movie last night, but still woke early. And I've had a mild head-cold, but it seems to be a bit better now. Of course, I'm not going to my family gathering either; went to the one on Thanksgiving, and that's enough.
Like I said: "Christmas? Bah Humbug!!!"
Or should I say, 'Bah Humbug?'
In my case, it's always 'Bah Humbug!' I loathe the Christmas season, and this hatred only seems to grow stronger as I age. Initially, my depression was always triggered by the false sense of family togetherness, and my own horribly miserable childhood Christmases. My father always lay drunk the whole time, and mother made us all 'pretend' that nothing was wrong. We even had to attend paternal family gatherings, where my father was noticably absent, and act as if everything was just fine. There is nothing so warped as growing up with an alcoholic in the family. Indeed, the most apt phrase I've ever heard is: "It's like having an elephant sitting in the living room, but everyone pretends they don't see it."
As I've gotten older though, I also have realized there's a lot of hypocrisy in this supposedly loving, giving season: Why remember the homeless ONLY at Christmas? Why remember abused, neglected kids ONLY at Christmas? Why be charitable ONLY at Christmas? Why act as if your family is a happy one, when everyone knows otherwise? There may be some fanatical religious types who find some sort of brainwashed religious 'meaning' in Christmas, but more often than not, I simply see all the hyprocisy and commercialism. And I won't even get started on the commercialism aspect!
DH and I decided not to get the large-screen TV after all. Doing some research, I realized the projection TV we were thinking of buying didn't have digital capabilities. Within a couple of years, it would have been rendered useless when digital signals begin to be broadcast (between 2004-2008), so we opted for a few other items. Bought an over-the-stove microwave; a new entertainment center; a smaller dinette set; and a DVD player (which I'm not much impressed with, since we had to get and use an adapter for our TV and DVD movies only show in the middle of the screen!).
DH was off last week, and we did a lot of work/rearranging of stuff in the house. I finally got rid of my floor-to-ceiling bookcase, and cleaned out a bunch of useless, unnecessary books; I took four boxes of books to the library, donated those. Most of it was fiction, and some out-of-date writer and/or research books; I do all research on the net now, and those books were not necessary. I still have quite a collection of books, and bought a smaller bookcase for those. Some I couldn't part with -- personally autographed books; old, valuable books; a few select, important writing books; and some fiction that I regard as THE best and that has guided my own creative writing. At any rate, I now have my study in the spare bedroom, and managed to get the computer desk, file cabinet and bookcase in here, along with the double bed and chesterdrawers. It looks much better, and now the formal living room is back to being just that: a living room. I put most of our antiques in there: an ancient peddle-type sewing machine and trunk my grandmother gave me; a huge wardrobe; the dresser bottom, which makes a nice desk; a couple of rockers and a recliner; and the huge steamer trunk my sisters gave me years ago. The living room is uncluttered, and looks spacious, neat...so if we decide to list the house with a real estate agent, it is much improved.
We also cleaned out our large walk-in closet, and painted it, put down new floor tile. That was a huge chore, but it looks much nicer now. At least we had a productive week.
Yesterday I rented ten movies from a local supermarket that rents movies two for a dollar. I got these for two nights though, and they aren't due back till after Christmas. I saw "From Hell" last night, and while Johnny Dep's performance was lackluster (to say the least) it was a good atmospheric movie, and an interesting theory about 'Jack the Ripper.' We'll watch all the movies tonight and tomorrow.
I rode my bike this morning, even though it was raining earlier. But the rain stopped, so I had no excuse not to go. I'm staying at 93 lbs, even though I ate a nice sweet treat last night. I hope I won't do too much damage to my diet tomorrow, but I AM intending on eating whatever I want...for once! That should give me something to be a little cheerful about on such an otherwise depressing day. DH will go to his mom's house alone; I never go...since I have NO relationship with that bunch of redneck deer-hunters. But he feels obligated to put in an appearance, although that's just about the only time he sees them. However, he'll be home by noon or so, and we can watch the movies.
I stayed up till 2 AM watching that movie last night, but still woke early. And I've had a mild head-cold, but it seems to be a bit better now. Of course, I'm not going to my family gathering either; went to the one on Thanksgiving, and that's enough.
Like I said: "Christmas? Bah Humbug!!!"
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Today is my birthday: I'm 51. Wow, I never thought I'd live this long. I'm sure many young people feel the same; that they will never make it to 30, much less the big 5-0...but here I am. It happens. Or as the saying goes: "Aging is better than the alternative."
I'm in a slightly better mood these days. Had a great Thanksgiving Day with my family, sisters/brothers-in-law, nephews, mother and step-dad. They were all complimentary about the weight I've lost: I now weigh only 95 lbs. I haven't been this skinny since I was in my late teens, and anorexic (which I may be again now)! I do eat, but I'm very selective in my choice of food, prefer healthy stuff like fresh veggies/fruits and very little meat, lean beef only or chicken/turkey/fish. And I bike about 2 miles every day. I feel healthy, and my blood pressure is now back to normal -- without medication! So I am now just on maintaince, but try to not go much over 1,000 calories per day.
DH gave me $100.00...so I will buy whatever strikes my fancy soon. I recently bought several pairs of new smaller (by two sizes) jeans, and don't need clothes right now. I'll dream up something though, I'm sure.
DH and I are getting a big-screen HDTV for Christmas, and that is something to look forward to! We must do a good bit of rearranging of furniture and rooms though, but he has a couple weeks off before Christmas, and that will give us time to do all that is necessary. We looked at the HDTV big-screens the other day, and were very impressed; the projection big-screens used to be very unclear. Anyway, we have lots of interior work to do before getting the TV, but at least it IS something to look forward to, and hopefully it will make my Christmas not so depressing (as it has been for years now).
Also, the country house/land we were thinking about buying didn't work out. The place turned out to have TWO different mortgages on it, and is in 'legal limbo' and not even available for sale now. Oh well. We may keep looking, but it's cold now and we're not inspired to move until maybe next spring.
That's pretty much it for now.
I'm in a slightly better mood these days. Had a great Thanksgiving Day with my family, sisters/brothers-in-law, nephews, mother and step-dad. They were all complimentary about the weight I've lost: I now weigh only 95 lbs. I haven't been this skinny since I was in my late teens, and anorexic (which I may be again now)! I do eat, but I'm very selective in my choice of food, prefer healthy stuff like fresh veggies/fruits and very little meat, lean beef only or chicken/turkey/fish. And I bike about 2 miles every day. I feel healthy, and my blood pressure is now back to normal -- without medication! So I am now just on maintaince, but try to not go much over 1,000 calories per day.
DH gave me $100.00...so I will buy whatever strikes my fancy soon. I recently bought several pairs of new smaller (by two sizes) jeans, and don't need clothes right now. I'll dream up something though, I'm sure.
DH and I are getting a big-screen HDTV for Christmas, and that is something to look forward to! We must do a good bit of rearranging of furniture and rooms though, but he has a couple weeks off before Christmas, and that will give us time to do all that is necessary. We looked at the HDTV big-screens the other day, and were very impressed; the projection big-screens used to be very unclear. Anyway, we have lots of interior work to do before getting the TV, but at least it IS something to look forward to, and hopefully it will make my Christmas not so depressing (as it has been for years now).
Also, the country house/land we were thinking about buying didn't work out. The place turned out to have TWO different mortgages on it, and is in 'legal limbo' and not even available for sale now. Oh well. We may keep looking, but it's cold now and we're not inspired to move until maybe next spring.
That's pretty much it for now.
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