My Novels

Friday, July 28, 2006

Random Thoughts

I'm taking a break from my usual late afternoon bike ride today due to rain. Lots of it. Buckets. And I'm glad, because we needed it badly.

I read a widow/widower forum regularly, and it is very helpful. You find every kind of emotion imaginable, and many others in your situation. You also find some on the cynical side, like myself. Today I found the most apt quote:

"Long relationships are almost always high maintenance I think."

So TRUE. All marriages have ups and downs, and I suspect many are NOT as rosy as they appear to outsiders. Still, marriage is often preferred by the majority. Not for me though, not ever again. I am positive I will NEVER change my mind on that.

Good news: Finally settled the air ambulance issue favorably. And it was partly due to my mad writing skilz! :-) I also finalized the annuity, making a decision on the beneficiary that will HELP homeless animals when I die.

Bad news: Can't get back in the mood to write enough. I spend some time writing, but have a difficult time finding the "magic" of past creative involvement. Perhaps it is a matter of habit I lack? It took years to get into a regular, daily writing habit, so why should I expect it to return without that dedication again?

I'll close with two quotes that will give you some food for thought:

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is a daring adventure or nothing." --Helen Keller

Lady Nancy Witcher Langhorne (1879-1964)last words:"Am I dying or is is this my birthday?"

Sunday, July 23, 2006

This says it all...

Exactly how I'm beginning to feel (without antidepressants too!)

Image from Post Secrets
A great place to understand the emotional world of humanity

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Pictures Come Back

Pictures come back to me
Of you standing in the kitchen
Sick, leaning against the counter,
Of you in the bathroom, pale,
And my question of were you ill?
How brave you were, denying to me
That you were dying,
Falling away from the earth,
Trying to protect me as you always
Did, afraid I couldn't cope
With your loss, your death.

Pictures in my mind, my memory
Flooded with you so often,
I wish I could erase the pain
In my heart with emptiness.

Pictures come back to me
Of you happy, sad, lost in a fog
Of yesterday, bound for eternity.

You are gone forever, but you
Will always be in my heart,
In my thoughts, my husband,
You are beyond the realm
Of time, lost to me forever.

Yet I often find I can never
Get these pictures out of my mind
For they come back, suddenly...
Pictures of you working on the barn
Or grooming your horses tenderly,
You loved them always, dearly,
More than me, more than life.

For you, your one true passion
And I knew it, so I could not
Say no, and I fear my compliance
Led to your death.

Pictures come back to me
And always will, forever,
As long as I live and breathe,
My cross to bear, my burden,
Pictures say what you could not...
Bravery, courage is often
Silent and accepting of fate.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Blue Spruce tree problem

Does anyone out there know what is wrong with this tree in my front yard? It looks like a Blue Spruce, and one side seems perfectly fine, but the other is stunted.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Today's Mood

Long day, much accomplished by my family. I now have a newly installed storm door on the front entryway door. I sometimes don't know how I'd survive without them...but I hate putting them through all this work and turmoil. I've always been a "loner" and "do-it-yourself" type person, so it is NOT easy to accept help in any form.

Tonight I answered some questions on a website regarding grief. It was supposed to determine what stage of grief you are in -- and surprisingly, after answering the quizz, the results were that I am in: Denial. Who knew, huh? But I answered all the questions honestly, and I suppose some of my attitude lately -- "It doesn't matter," and "Who cares" and "Why bother," -- are feelings of someone who still hasn't fully accepted such an overwhelming loss of a loved one.

I fear it will take longer than I am going to live. Or maybe not. Life doesn't make sense, that's the only truth I know now.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Update & Photos

I've been late again with a post. But I am still busy with odds and ends related to my move. I finally learned how to put up brackets for curtain rods, and accomplished getting some curtains hung. Not fun, but necessary.

Now I've discovered a potential electrical problem: When I switch on the TV in the living room, a crackling noise and spark comes out of a different plug. I'll have to get that checked out soon.

Late yesterday afternoon when I was on my bike ride, I saw my renter out washing her SUV. I stopped and talked to her a short time to learn if she is still planning on moving. And she is, sometimes near the end of August or later. She is moving near Nashville, TN -- probably to be with her new boyfriend. I just hope she knows what's she's doing, since she has just recently filed for divorce.

At any rate, I am suspending any decision about that house until the day I walk back into it, when the place is empty. THEN and ONLY then will I be able to know how I feel -- whether I want to rent it out again, sell it, or...who knows, even move back there myself. I could always rent out this house, or sell it -- and get a better price on this place too. Though it's not wise to always rule by emotions, when you lived in a house 25 years, you ARE emotionally attached to it...and I may just want to live there again. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I probably should start looking for employment. I have no idea what I might find suitable, but I am going to need medical insurance benefits sooner or later; the COBRA is only temporary, and I doubt I can afford individual medical insurance.

It is HOT here, and far too dry. This region was recently declared a federal disaster because of the drought. Corn and soybeans are big crops here, and are not doing well this summer. We have had a few thunderstorms, but not regular days of steady rain.

I'm waiting to learn what the medflight/insurance outcome will be for me. BC/BS did pay nearly $4,000.00 on the bill, and that seems reasonable. Now I guess the medflight company will come after me, try to make me pay the remainder -- around $6,000.00. That company has my undying wrath, and their tactics of intimidating family of patients even BEFORE BC/BS insurance has paid, has got to be the worst ever. I can't believe someone hasn't sued them already; I am sure it's only a matter of time until the CEO realizes their policy of harrassing family of patients in such a despicable manner is BAD BUSINESS.

Anyway, I used my older small digital camera to snap a few pictures inside and outside of my house, and will post those below. These will not be very good quality, but at least represent my new abode.

Screenporch built for the cats at rear of carport

This storage room connects to the screenporch, and it also connects to the laundryroom, which has central heat/air -- the cats have a choice to be inside or outside

The living room with TV and curtains I hung

The kitchen and den/dining are one huge room parallel to the carport

I have my computer amorie in the den/dining area

Bobcat LOVES his new living quarters!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Oh my....

Here's the thing: It never seems to be over, done with, finished. You grieve, you weep, you think tomorrow will be better...but it's not.

And that is because you can't get over it until you go through the process of grieving...or so the experts say. Mainly what I've learned is that every widow/widower is "different" and however they feel IS right. In other words, there is NO right way to grieve and there is NO right way to mourn. You must do it on your own terms and in YOUR own way. To each their own.

One of my problems is that I seem to be unable to get out of bed in the morning. And whereas I always had a problem with insomnia before, now I just want to curl up in the bed and NOT get up in the morning. I feel like I could sleep all day, if I could just stay in bed. However, I DO have the cats to care for...and that does make me get up every day.

I don't know...this grief for the loss of a soooo alien. I sometimes don't know what is coming at me next.

And so it goes...